


vers d'autres lendemains plus heureux

by LtTanyaBoone



Series: welcome to the Modern AU [13]
Category: Pan Am
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Fertility Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-09-01 09:54:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20256202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LtTanyaBoone/pseuds/LtTanyaBoone
Summary: The road to a family of their own. (modern!AU)





	1. part 1

**Author's Note:**

> **trigger/content warnings:** mentions of menstruation, fertility issues (throughout), mention of an abortion, sick infant
> 
> this story is already finished, i plan on updating once a week. part 2 can already be found on the, site-that-shan't-be-named.

Colette grabs the pillow from the rocking chair in the spare bedroom and lets herself slowly sink down into the floor, her back pressed against the dresser. Kate watches her as she presses the pillow over her stomach, hugs it tightly against herself as the brunette curls around it as a shudder runs through her body.

She swallows and starts walking over. Sinks down next to her wife and brushes her hair behind her ear as her shoulder touches Colette's. She allows her head to rest back, the back touching the wood of the dark dresser as Kate closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, allowing it to fill her lungs. Feels her ribcage expand and holds her breath for a moment before she lets it out slowly.

"I'm sorry."

She feels herself tensing at Colette's soft words. Opens her eyes and turns her head to look at her wife. Takes in her hanging head, the slumped shoulders.

The American shifts and reaches out. Wraps an arm around her wife's shoulder to hold her. Gently pulls Colette against herself a little before she leans in and rests her forehead to rest against the brunette's shoulder. It only takes a moment, before they start to shake under the weight of Kate's head, and the brunette begins to cry.

"Sh," Kate whispers and reaches out with her free arm, wrapping it around Colette's front. Pulls her wife close and holds her tightly, tears welling up in her own eyes. She feels Colette reach up, the fingers of one hand clutching at her arm as she cries and cries, Kate's heart breaking all over again for the both of them.

* * *

The reminder pops up on her cellphone at some time while she's in the shower. She only sees it when she grabs it after having gotten dressed, and instantly feels her face fall. Her fingers curl around it and she has to consciously stop herself from chucking the thing against the wall. She needs it. She just, doesn't need to see, this.

"Morning," Kate greets her as she steps into the kitchen after heading downstairs. The redhead holds out a mug of coffee for her, and Colette takes it, putting her phone into her wife's still outstretched hand.

"Okay?" Kate mutters, tilting her head in confusion. Which transforms into a look of sad understanding as she turns on the screen.

"Can you turn that off?" Colette asks her, taking a sip of the coffee. Closes her eyes for a moment, enjoying the taste. Just how she likes it. Kate is an absolute angel sometimes, and Colette keeps wondering what it is she did to deserve this amazing woman. Whatever it is, she is incredibly thankful for it. For Kate having walked into her life and fallen in love with her.

Kate nods and unlocks her phone, fiddling around with it for a moment while Colette leans against the counter, sipping on her coffee. The redhead gives a satisfied nod after a while and sets the phone down.

"All gone," she tells Colette, a forced smile on her face. Colette swallows thickly and leans over, brushing her lips over Kate's in a thankful kiss.

"Merci," she whispers and rests her head against Kate's shoulder, wanting the comfort the touch brings.

She'd actually forgotten, about the fertility reminder. That they would be showing up in a notification on her phone and not just while she was using the app to track her cycle. Which may be a bit forgetful, on her part, but at the same time, there have been months and months of the reminder showing up and it never really registering with Colette, and certainly not bothering her.

But that had been, before, and now it is, after. After, everything. After their failed attempts and finding out and just, all these things she really, really doesn't want to deal with, right now. Cannot be dealing with.

* * *

Eight minutes. That's how much she manages. Eight minutes of smiling and congratulations and acting completely happy and excited about the news. And then Kate excuses herself and goes to seek refuge in her sister's downstairs bathroom. Closes the door behind herself and rests against it heavily as she closes her eyes.

"Don't cry," Kate whispers and takes a shuddering breath. "Don't cry. __Do not cry__," she repeats over and over again in an effort to keep the tears at bay this time. At least right now. She can, she can cry later, when she's home and alone and won't have to answer any questions.

There's a soft knock on the door, startling Kate from her thoughts. She hears Colette's voice calling her name, barely audible through the wood. Kate straightens and steps aside, opening the door to allow her wife to slip inside. Colette immediately closes it and locks it behind herself, making Kate shake her head.

"They'll think-"

"I don't particularly care what they will think," Colette cuts off her soft protest. Kate watches her, trying to see the cracks in the brunette's happy demeanor.

How is it that a fertility reminder on her phone can ruin Colette's day, but it is Kate who can barely breathe, knowing that her sister is pregnant? That Laura is getting everything that Kate and Colette have been hoping and praying for.

Her wife takes Kate's hand and gives it a hard squeeze. Steps close and rests her forehead against Kate's as the redhead draws a shuddering breath.

"I feel like such an asshole," she whispers, a sniffle escaping Kate. She should be happy. She should be bouncing up and down with joy. Laura's pregnant. She's going to have a baby. A little tiny baby. This is, this is great. This is amazing, amazing news. In eight months, Kate will have a little nephew. Or niece. There'll be a baby in the family.

But the baby will be Laura's. It'll only be Kate's nephew or niece. A baby, but it won't be theirs. Not Colette's, not hers. And Laura, she's pregnant, but her and Joe haven't even been trying. Four months ago, Kate asked her. She'd been getting a certain, vibe, from Joe, and Laura'd shaken her head. Had told her that the two of them had postponed kids for the time being.

And yet, here they are. On their parents' anniversary, where Laura had decided to announce her pregnancy.

"Me, too," Colette admits. Leans back to cradle Kate's face. "I love you," she tells Kate, searching her eyes.

"Love you, too," Kate breathes, leaning in for a quick kiss, hoping that it will soothe the ache along the newest fault line of her battered heart.

* * *

Colette looks up from her book at the sound of the bathroom door opening and Kate cursing softly. She finds her wife standing there, looking slightly disheveled, but more in a frazzled way, and not in the pleasantly horny kind of way.

"Something wrong?" she asks, half closing her book.

"Uh," her wife starts, shifting with a slight grimace. Wraps an arm around her middle.

"You don't happen to have any spare pads, do you?" she asks and Colette feels her eyes widen in surprise.

"Since when-" she starts, before cutting herself off. Not the right time for that discussion. At least not right now. "Aren't there any under the sink?"

"No," Kate shakes her head, drawing a slow breath.

Colette puts her book aside. Scoots to the edge of the bed and gets up.

"Are you bleeding?" she asks as she opens the dresser drawer holding her underwear. "Or menstruating?"

"Does it really matter right now?" Kate asks, a sigh of relief leaving her as Colette tosses her a wrapped pad. Kate throws her a kiss before ducking back inside the bathroom, closing the door behind herself.

Colette crosses her arms, pacing the room once as she waits for Kate to reemerge.

"Jesus," the redhead breathes when she finds Colette hovering in front of the bathroom door as she opens it again. "You scared me," she shakes her head and walks past Colette to get into bed.

The brunette watches her and draws a slow breath.

"I'm, concerned," she tells Kate, causing the redhead to raise her eyebrows at her. "You don't get your period."

"I don't usually get my period," Kate corrects her as she sits down on the bed and pulls up her legs. Watches Colette hover for a moment, before rolling her eyes. The brunette rolls her eyes before walking over and sitting down on the edge of Kate's side of their bed.

"I am not projecting," she tells her, hoping to avoid an accusation of that. Or any discussion of her own cycle, right now. "You shouldn't be bleeding," she reminds Kate, searching her face.

Her wife lets out a sigh and runs a hand through her hair. "It's more like spotting," she shrugs. Reaches out take Colette's hand and toys with Colette's fingers as her brows furrow.

"It's late, and it's not that bad that I feel like I should go to Urgent Care. I don't particularly feel like being made to look like a hysterical woman. If it hasn't stopped by tomorrow, I'll call my gynecologist, make an appointment."

Colette frowns, watching their entwined fingers as she tries to formulate a response. She's never argued with Kate, about her choice of birth control. It's Kate's body, she gets to decide what happens to it, with it. What she wants to do with it. Does she need birth control for it's contraceptive purpose? No. They're two cisgender women in a monogamous marriage, there is no reason for it. But Colette understands why her wife still takes the Depo shot. Her usually heavy and rather painful periods are completely stopped by it, so Colette can absolutely understand why Kate has chosen to continue taking it and rejoice in that side effect.

"I'm fine," Kate insists, making Colette let out a soft sigh.

"Okay," she mutters, inclining her head slightly. "If you say so. It is your body. I am just..." she trails off with a twitch of her brows and feels the mattress dip as Kate shifts. Leans over to brush her lips over Colette's cheek in a soft caress.

"I appreciate the concern," she whispers. "And I will get it checked out, if it doesn't stop," she adds before leaning in for a proper kiss, making Colette let out a soft sigh as her eyes flutter close and she responds to the kiss.

* * *

"Don't get me wrong," Kate starts, resting her head against the bedroom dresser. Runs a finger over the rim of Colette's glass on the floor before pulling it back again.

"I like drinking with you. Just, I'm wondering, why exactly are we doing it? And doing it here?"

She hears Colette draw a ragged breath as her wife raises the bourbon to her lips. Downs half the content of her glass in one go, barely even flinching at the burn of the alcohol.

"Because I plan on drinking until I pass out," she replies and Kate feels her brows lift in surprise at the already present slur of Colette's speech.

Kate nods and picks up the bottle. Takes a small sip before putting it down again and clinking her nails against the glass. She could get up, get herself her own tumbler. But that would mean leaving Colette's side, which she is rather reluctant to do.

She can't really think of a reason as to why she found her wife in the upstairs bedroom when she got home, drinking bourbon from a glass. That her speech is already slurring says she's been at it for a bit, and Kate's starting to worry about what may have happened to reduce Colette to this state.

"I got my period."

Colette's voice is flat, a mere statement of a fact. Yet Kate feels her heart drop through the floor.

It certainly explains the need for alcohol. Explains why her wife is planning on drowning her sorrows until she's no longer conscious.

She swallows thickly and tries to remember which reaction so far has been the one Colette found most tolerable. When Kate fussed, she'd hated it and kicked her out of the house. When she hadn't reacted at all, the brunette got angry and accused her of not caring about it.

She does. Care, that is. She cares a lot. Cares about Colette and wants so much to take this pain away from her, but she doesn't know how. Doesn't have the magical words to make all of this go away.

"I'm sorry," she finally says, hoping that it will be enough of a reaction to make Colette know she feels for her, but also not too much that it makes her feel crowded.

Perhaps it would be easier, Kate thinks, if Colette got on birth control. If she stopped having her period for a while. Without the monthly reminder, it might be easier for her, to, get over this. Might make it easier for the both of them, to move on. Then again, if Colette didn't get her period right now, they'd still be painfully aware of whenever a month had passed. Because Kate's sister, because Laura turned out to be one of those people who put weekly updates on her pregnancy up on facebook, and that is certainly not helping matters any.

"Do you ever feel like," Colette starts, swallowing thickly and taking another sip of the bourbon.

"Feel like, what?" Kate presses gently, wanting to get her to talk so much. If she does, if Colette talked about this, then maybe it would help her. Would make it easier for her, would make it possible to start moving on.

"Like... like your skin is... like you need to just, scratch yourself? Over and over and over again, because everything about you just feel so, so wrong-"

"Please don't," Kate interrupts her, taking Colette's free hand to prevent her from following through on what she was just saying.

She does know that feeling, yes. Is eerily familiar with it, though probably for a different reason than Colette is experiencing it at this moment. She didn't know, before, that her wife experienced something like this. Kate's personal reason for feeling that way, for feeling all sorts of wrong, it's gotten a lot better, over the years. She rarely feels like this anymore, and the very few times it does, a cold shower usually help. And being with Colette does a lot to relieve that urge, as well.

She shifts, watching the brunette for a moment. Wonders, if she should perhaps pull her into the bathroom. Put her under the icy spray of the shower and hope it will take care of the, itching, at least temporarily. It does seem like a better coping mechanism than drinking oneself into a stupor, that much is for certain.

Before she can think of suggesting a shared shower to Colette, though, she sees her wife's face twitch, before it crumbles and the brunette bursts into tears, sobs shaking her body, and Kate suddenly feels a prickling sensation all over her own body and so very much like she needs to scratch herself raw to be able to escape it as she wraps her arms around her wife and tries to shush her gently.


	2. part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> additional content warning for abortion in this part

It doesn't matter.

It shouldn't matter.

It doesn't, shouldn't matter. It certainly doesn't to Kate.

Colette shifts, pinching the bridge of her nose.

This is, she's being ridiculous. Can't even manage to simply say the word. Act like an utter idiot and like it's something, bad, or dirty, when it really isn't. It's something, something nice and wonderful yet the brunette cannot help the way her throat constricts and her eyes well with tears at the mere thought of it.

Adoption. Adoption. Adoption, adoption, adoption adoptionadoptionad-

It's like a, a hamster on a wheel, inside her head, and it's starting to drive her crazy. Slowly but surely she can feel her thoughts circle and circle and circle, round and round and round, until she's feeling disoriented and dizzy with it all and her grip is starting to slip.

Adoption may be a wonderful thing, but the thing is, it's not what she wants. What she has had her heart set on for so long.

Does she want a child? Yes. Absolutely. She wants a child. With Kate. And yes, she's well aware of that not being possible, genetically, since they're two cisgender women. Colette has known for years that they'll have to, compromise, in that regard, and she's well willing to do just that. But it turns out that the one point Colette thought she'd wouldn't have to compromise on, the one thing she thought that was for certain in this, it what is making this impossible, right now.

She'd thought that it would be her, who'd get pregnant. That any child Kate and her would have, she would be the one carrying them. She'd be giving birth to them. It would be their child, their baby, and she'd be their maman.

And it's just, it feels so fucking unfair. It makes her want to scream and rage and cry with the unfairness of it all. Like, her sister-in-law, Laura, she got pregnant just like that. And they hadn't even intended to have a baby yet. And Kate and Colette, they've been trying, and there has been no baby, month after month, and there won't be. That is, unless Kate changes her mind, which Colette doesn't expect her to and doesn't think very likely, and even if she did, it wouldn't be the same. It won't be the way Colette wants it to be, needs it to be. The way she's hung her heart on it being for so long.

And some days, she thinks that she will be torn apart. Will be rendered inside out and shredded to bits by the pain of it all. By how much it all just hurts and without there being any relief for it, without there being a remedy for her agony.

* * *

Kate draws a slow breath, watching Colette for a moment as she gathers the courage to speak.

"Can we, talk?" she asks the brunette softly. Watches, as her wife frowns and then pulls her legs up onto the couch.

"Of course," she nods, finally, but still Kate hesitates. Leans back into the armchair she sunk into after getting home a couple of minutes ago.

"I know that this is, difficult," she begins and rubs her hands together while she tries to find the right words. The last thing she wants, is to upset Colette further, she thinks, frowning at her nails. She needs to do them again, Kate thinks. The polish is starting to chip and flake off, it's looking weird and decidedly not-nice. She'll take it off before bed, she decided and gives a slight shake of her head to pull herself from those thoughts. Forces herself to concentrate on what she wants to talk to her wife about. What she wants to tell Colette.

"I want to, tell you something," she says. "I need you to know something, okay?"

She watches as Colette tilts her head, watching her with an expectant expression.

"What?" the brunette inquires after a moment when Kate doesn't continue to talk. The redhead draws a slow breath and braces herself.

"I could never, ever, hate you."

Bingo. She knows she hit a nerve when, as soon as the words leave her mouth, Colette goes rigid. Her mouth opens, but no sound comes from the brunette. She draws a shuddering breath and gives a shake of her head. Colette looks away, her knuckles turning white as she balls her hands into fists.

"Colette-"

"Don't," the brunette shakes her head and gets up from the couch, leaving the room quickly, almost breaking into a jog. Kate closes her eyes and silently counts in her head. She's at seven, when the bedroom door slams closed. It makes her decide that, instead of waiting to ten to check on her wife, twenty might be a better choice. Give Colette a little more time, to calm down. Let what Kate said sink in.

It takes until thirty-five, actually, until Kate gets up from the armchair and slowly makes her way up the stairs. Carefully reaches out and takes hold of the doorknob of their bedroom door. Draws a steadying breath and tries it, finding, very much to her relief, that at least Colette hasn't locked it.

"Hey," she whispers softly as she sticks her head inside.

Colette is laying on her side of the bed, her back turned towards the door. It looks like she'd hugging a pillow, has curled up around it. It's one of these moments, where Kate hates the layout of their bedroom, because Colette is on her side of the bed. But if Colette has gone to her own, she would have had to either face the door, or the middle of the bed, and that is apparently not happening. Not now at least.

"Darling, please," Kate whispers as she crawls into bed. Sits back on her knees and watches as Colette turns her face into her pillow, her eyes pressed shut.

Kate watches silently as she breathes, her chest rising and falling quickly, as if she's only taking the tiniest of breaths. Knows that it's something Colette tends to do, when she's trying hard to keep herself from crying.

A few weeks ago, Kate wouldn't have hesitated and laid down next to Colette. Would have wrapped her arms around her and held her tightly as she cried. But right now, Kate fears that if she so much as touches her wife's back, Colette will bolt from the bed, possibly the room, or even the house.

"I don't blame you," she tells her softly. "For any of this. And I love you, Colette. I love you so much, more than I could possibly tell you. Please, my love, don't do this to yourself," Kate pleads.

A shudder runs through Colette and Kate thinks she might be relaxing just a tiny bit. Watches, as she shifts and slowly turns onto her back, her eyes darting to Kate's face, meeting her eyes for the fraction of a second. The redhead takes a breath, forcing a smile that she hopes looks at least the smallest bit genuine.

"I love you," she repeats, reaching out to cradle Colette's cheek. To her relief, her wife sits up and lifts her arms in a silent request for a hug. She quickly leans over and wraps her arms around Colette. Holds onto her tightly, tears welling up in her eyes. She kisses Colette's neck and ear and temple, just showering kisses everywhere she can reach as she tries hard not to break into tears.

"Je t'aime," Colette whispers softly, sounding so broken as she does. But she says it, and that mere fact, that's well enough for Kate to get through this.

* * *

Maybe, maybe they should be looking into, getting a pet. Perhaps a little dog, maybe that would be better. A little puppy, to keep them occupied and their minds focused on something else. Or maybe better yet, a kitten. She doesn't much like dogs. Cats are great, though, Colette thinks. They're cute and have personality. Perhaps that is what they should do. Get a kitten and pour their energy into it, all the love they have to spare.

_Get a hobby._

Someone at the group mentioned that, once. Said that their colleague suggested that one day, when they got annoyed after having had to listen to them talk about not being able to have a baby yet again. Colette can remember bristling at the words, can remember how painful and insensitive they had felt.

Children, they aren't a hobby. They cannot be replaced by, by picking up knitting, or painting, or, or golfing.

Sometimes she thinks that the group is helping. At least it helps to hear that she, that Kate and her, they're not alone in this. But then, at other times, it hurts, more than even Laura's pregnancy announcement did. how much the weekly updates are paining her.

She doesn't always go, to every meeting. Some days she's simply too angry, and others too sad. She figures that those days, it'll be just too difficult, to hear other people struggle with the same things and provide support.

Besides, last time she went, Sheryl hadn't been there. She'd been getting kind of close, to the blonde American, and not seeing her there, it had made Colette worry, so she'd asked if someone knew anything, any reason the blonde might have had to not come.

It had been a stupid mistake on her part, but then again, she'd thought that Sheryl and her husband, that they were done trying. Apparently they hadn't been. Because Sheryl turned out to be pregnant.

Another pregnancy, another wonderful miracle baby. Another woman expecting a child. And yet again, it's not her.

* * *

Kate blinks at the purple packaging staring up at her from the bathroom trashcan. Stares, in surprise, at the pregnancy test.

The redhead swallows thickly and closes the lid.

Colette probably didn't intend for her to see that. And part of Kate wants to leave it alone and not bring it up. Just leave it be and not mention it.

But this, this is, huge. It's so far from where they were, a mere week ago. Miles and miles ahead of it. Or at least it feels like it, to Kate.

She'd considered throwing out the tests before. Thought that it would be the right thing to do, the logical thing, given that there was no point in keeping them around. They wouldn't be needing them, wouldn't be using them anyway.

Thankfully, she'd gotten the warning to not touch them. To leave them be, for as long as it would take for them to be able to, move on. So Kate had left the tests where they were, in the bathroom cabinet. Had left them sitting there for, nine months. Actually, longer than that. Nine months, that's just how long Colette and her have known that keeping them around is pretty much pointless.

Letting go of a dream can be a lot like mourning a death, Kate has been learning. It happens in stages. And sometimes, people take a few steps back, before they can make the next one forward. Before they're ready to.

She'd suggested tossing the tests sometime around the six months mark. Colette had worried at her lower lip before shaking her head and saying that she wasn't ready, not just yet. It had felt like some masochistic torture to Kate, to keep pregnancy tests around where she'd see them, every single day while knowing that she wouldn't need them, ever.

Slowly, Kate opens the cabinet doors. And sure enough, the tests are gone. There are two more ovulation ones, but Kate doesn't mind those. She's actually found it somewhat useful, to have one of those around. It made determining where weird cramps she was experiencing where coming from a lot easier.

Right now, she feels like, like she ought to be celebrating. This is huge, it's such a big step, and she feels proud of her wife, in a strange way. Is really, really proud of Colette for this.

When she returns to the bedroom after finishing up for the night, Colette is already in bed, laying on her side, her bedside lamp turned off. Kate watches her, for a moment, before killing the light in the bathroom and walks over. Climbs into bed and then snuggles close. Kisses the back of Colette's neck and succeeds in drawing a content sigh from her wife.

"What was that for?" Colette asks, sounding on the verge of sleep as she takes Kate's hand that the redhead as wrapped around her middle as she spoons her.

"Just because," Kate shrugs. Lays her head down onto her pillow and takes a deep breath. Hears Colette hum softly and feels her hand being squeezed for a moment.

"I'm proud of you," Kate whispers, unable to keep her mouth shut.

Colette tenses in her arms, the sound of her shaky exhale filling the room. Kate feels the hold her wife has on her hand tighten and she presses closer to her, holding Colette in her arms as they slowly start to relax again.

* * *

She's usually good, at faking happiness. At least good enough to get other people to back off. People who are not Kate. Kate can always tell, when Colette is faking her happiness. She's well aware of that, and she also knows that her wife thinks she's being clever, by letting it slide sometimes. By allowing Colette to get away with it without calling her out on it.

She can't, however, fake being happy, about the baby. All Colette feels, is, empty. Just absolutely exhausted and empty and emotionally drained. Sucked completely dry.

Colette thinks she should be making more of an effort. It has, after all, been two days now. Two days, since her niece had been born. She should be at the hospital, should be holding little tiny Joyce and cooing over the tiny person.

But instead of celebrating the birth of her niece, Colette has been crying on and off for two, almost three days straight. She's trying to hide it as best as she can, from Kate. It's not that she doesn't want her wife to know that she is hurting, because she does need Kate to be there and hold her and tell her she still loves her, even if Colette can't give her children. It's just, she thinks that Kate should feel free to be happy about this. This is her niece, for Heaven's sake. And Colette wants Kate to be happy, about becoming an aunt. Wants her to celebrate it. It's just, she can't muster any happiness herself, right now.

Not when all the jagged edges of her battered heart are standing out so painfully and torturing her.

* * *

Kate knows she's being ridiculous. Is well aware of it. She's pretty sure Laura hadn't meant to hurt her feelings. Her sister had just been happy and wanting to make, small talk. It's not Laura's fault that Kate is so goddamn sensitive these days.

_'I honestly thought you and Colette would have a child before Joe and me.'_

Yes, well, there'd been a time when Kate had very believed that herself. But that was before the attempts at AI that didn't take. Before the additional testing. Before the crippling blow that's made Kate feel like someone completely knocked the wind out of her. That brought her to her knees, alongside Colette.

The worst thing about this is, they could already have a child. It wouldn't have been Kate's, sure, but Colette, she might have been a mother. In a different universe, another life, where she made a different choice.

Then again, even if Colette might make a different choice in hindsight, Kate more than understands how someone who just landed a job as a flight attendant and broke up with an on-again off-again affair-turned-boyfriend wouldn't want to carry a pregnancy to term. She understands wholeheartedly the decision her wife made, and she supports it. Doesn't judge her for it in the least. Hell, if that had been Kate in that situation, she would have made the same choice. Would have made it over and over again. Even knowing what she does now.

And besides, chances are that, if Colette had kept the baby, if she'd decided to go through with it, then her and Kate never would have met. Colette would have lost her job at the airline as quickly as she got it, and there would have gone their way of meeting each other, right there. They wouldn't have been assigned to the same flight crew.

Then again, in her more romantic moments, Kate likes to think that there is such a thing as soulmates. And she believes, no, she knows for certain, that Colette is hers. She loves her more than anyone else in the entire world. She'd do, anything for her. No, Colette and her, they belong together. They're soulmates, and soulmates always find their ways to each other. So even if Colette hadn't become a flight attendant, Kate would still have met her. Their paths would have still crossed.

And maybe, Kate thinks, maybe Colette would be happier in that universe.


	3. part 3

She's asked Kate to stop talking about it. To stop bringing it up. It's just, it's too much pain, too much anger, too much... too much, it's just simply too much for her.

The thing is, Colette knows what it is like, to be an orphan. Her parents did not give her up voluntarily, but that doesn't matter, does it? The fact remains that, in the end, she'd been all alone. There hadn't been anyone there to tell her, who she was, where she came from. Her parents died, she didn't have any grandparents left, there had been no other family. So that particular question, that niggling strand of 'who am I?', it will never fully get answered for her.

She wasn't one of the lucky ones, not one of those that were picked by a nice couple. Wasn't adopted, couldn't manage to stay with a foster family for more than a few weeks. The system was Hell on her, yet she cannot bring herself to make a change in another child's life.

As much as she might be able to love a child that is not related to her by blood, Colette thinks she wouldn't be able to ever look into their eyes and not have an answer to their own questions. To be unable to tell them who they are, who they come from, what their parents were like, and why they were given up. And she wouldn't be able to deal with that kind of responsibility.

* * *

It's, it's an accident. Really. Kate, she's looking for someone who might be selling a bike, because Lord knows, she could do with some exercise. And as she's browsing through the classifieds, she finds it. An advert for an adoption agency.

She checks the link on her phone. Because Colette sometimes uses her laptop, when Kate leaves it open and booted up and her own is switched off and the brunette just wants to check the weather or the transport schedule, and Kate doesn't want her to know that she's looking at, this. Not right now, at least, not when Colette's not ready, not yet, for another one of those conversations.

What kills her, what is really paining her, is that part of this is definitely a money issue. Kate wholeheartedly believes that it wouldn't be half as bad, if they could get a surrogate. But that is a price tag that is just way, way out of their price range. Will probably always be, given their jobs and salaries and standard of living.

But then again, the agency she stumbled across doesn't seem to be on the cheap side, either. Kate lets out a soft sigh and closes the browser app before opening up a mindless puzzle game she downloaded the other day, in an effort to distract herself from the futility of this all.

* * *

Looking up, she finds Kate hovering above her, watching her intently.

Colette lets out a shuddering breath and wraps her arms around her wife. Lifts her head off the pillow to capture the redhead's lips again in a kiss. Feels Kate's body melting against her as she lowers herself onto Colette slowly.

A moan makes it past her lips and Colette's hips move, pressing up into Kate's. She opens her legs and wraps them around her wife, trying to pull Kate closer.

"Hey," her wife whispers as she breaks their kiss. Colette looks up at her, feeling tears forming in her eyes. Instantly, Kate starts to pull back, worry and concern creasing her brows. "What's wrong?"

Colette quickly shakes her head, refusing to let up in her hold.

"Nothing," she tells her. Lets out a soft chuckle, even, because this is sort of funny. Well, ironic, maybe. They've had sex, since, finding out. Of course they have, it's been a year. Yet the one time where Colette actually really, really wants it, when she wants to make love to Kate more than anything else, when she truly feels ready for it, without pushing herself, that is when Kate worries that she's not alright.

"I'm fine," she ads at Kate's doubtful expression. Moves her thighs on either side of Kate's waist, keeping her close. "I just..." she tries, but cannot come up with a good explanation. Words are simply failing her. So instead, she reaches up to stroke Kate's cheek gently. Rubs her thumb over her wife's bottom lip, causing Kate to chase her hand and press a kiss to Colette's palm.

"I feel, save," she whispers. Kate looks at her in surprise, and the breath hitches in Colette's throat when she sees the tears shimmer in her wife's eyes. "Aw, non," she mutters, quickly capturing her lips again. "Don't. Don't cry, mon coeur."

Kate lets out a teary laugh against her lips and shifts her weight, so she can rest her face against Colette's neck. She feels her shudder slightly and holds onto her. It should be uncomfortable, but Kate's weight on top of her, it is so reassuring. Feels wonderful and familiar and intimate.

She's right there, with her. She's with Colette. And she had no idea how much she had needed that, this reassurance, that the connection they have, it is still there. Kate's still here, she's not going anywhere. They're still, them, they are still an us.

"You're it," Colette murmurs, nudging Kate's nose with her own before kissing her softly. Presses her forehead against Kate's as she draws a shuddering breath. "You're, everything. My entire future. You're it."

"You're mine, too," Kate replies, bending down for a heated kiss and Colette lets out a soft whimper against the redhead's lips before moving to flip them over in their bed, a smile forming on Colette's lips as she does.

* * *

"I'm not talking about this, and certainly not with you," Kate shakes her head. Watches, as Laura's eyes widen slightly in mute surprise.

Her sister blink, searching Kate's face.

"Did I, did I say something wrong?" she asks, her brows furrowing. And Kate feels a scream bubbling up inside of her, her anger and frustration trying to break free.

She quickly clams her mouth shut and takes a deep breath, forcing herself to stay at least somewhat calm. Yelling at her sister won't accomplish anything. All it will do, is make Kate's throat hurt and make Laura even more upset, and then the baby will start to scream as well, because Kate will have woken her from her nap-

"Kate, come on. You can talk to me-"

"Just, just mind your own business, will you?" she snaps and lets out an angry breath. Watches, as Laura's face falls, and Kate throws up her hands in frustrated resignation. Tells her she's going to leave before she does something either one of them will regret, and grabs her jacket.

She doesn't wait for the elevator outside Laura's apartment. Opts for the stairs instead, her heart racing by the time Kate makes it to the first floor, her breath coming in short gasps. Her legs are itching with the urge to just keep moving, to start running. To hell with where, she doesn't care about that. All she cares about, is to keep moving. If she does, if she just manages to keep going, this will not be catching up with her.

So Kate moves. Takes a step and then another, and another and then starts breaking into a jog. Runs down the streets of New York, with people watching in confusion as she passes them, Kate's heart in her throat and her lungs aching as she tries desperately not to stop. If she stops, she'll, she'll start crying, and if she does, she doesn't know if she will ever be able to stop.

She makes it to the subway station and grips the railing so hard her knuckles turn white. Takes gasping breaths, one after the other while her shoulders begin to shake and Kate starts to sob, longing for Colette's arms around her, holding her and her voice telling her that it'll be alright.

* * *

She actually thinks she might like their case counselor. She seems, friendly, at least. Understanding, in a way that Colette hadn't expected. That she thinks may actually be genuine.

When they decided to do this, she'd feared overcrowded shoeboxes for offices, quick and impersonal interviews and procedures.

Instead, she finds herself here for the third time, and the urge to crawl out of her skin is slowly, gradually dissipating.

Nora invited them again, to go over their answers, for their questionnaire. To determine whether they currently have any clients that might be a match, for Kate and her. For their specific needs and ideas and all that stuff.

And, she's actually managed to hold little Joyce the other day. And it only took her three whole months, Colette thinks bitterly. Letting go of the tiny human, that had been so, so difficult. It had hurt so much, to hand her back to her mother.

She actually thinks that Laura, she may be suspecting that something, something's up, with them. With Kate and her. Her wife told her, about Kate's sort of, outburst, the last time she was with her sister. The two sisters haven't spoken much, since then, and Laura isn't used to Kate telling her so clearly to stay out of things that do not concern her. Isn't used to Kate drawing such harsh boundaries and then actually sticking with them.

Kate has taken her hand, and Colette can feel her stroke over the back of her palm with her thumb. A quick glance at her wife tells her that she's not aware that she's doing it. She's watching Nora, their case worker, Kate's attention focused on what the other woman is saying. Colette’s heart gives a lurch and she swallows thickly before she pulls herself from her thoughts and tries to concentrate again on their conversation.

* * *

No teenagers. That's one of the conditions that Colette and her have. No teenage parents. Because even from the little that Kate knows, about laws and legalities, she thinks she knows that bringing someone into this who technically cannot make decisions of this magnitude by themselves would just be inviting trouble.

Never mind that Kate wouldn't be able to ever forgive herself if it turned out that it wasn't the actual parents' decision to give up the child in the first place. That they were forced into making it.

She's not entirely certain if she likes Sam. She seems incredibly young, for her twenty-two years. Yet there are times when Kate looks at her and sees something in the young woman's eyes that makes her think that no, Sam is way older than her years. It's a strange sensation, one that leaves her slightly off balance, and she's not entirely certain how to feel about that.

"Wait," Kate shakes her head and shifts in her chair, her brows furrowing in confusion. "I don't get it," she admits, looking at Nora for an explanation.

"I am sorry," the older woman apologizes, her voice soft. "We do try our very best to avoid things like this happening, and please believe me when I say that I am so very, very sorry, about all of this," she tells them. Kate looks over at Colette, seeing the confusion in her wife's eyes.

"I still don't understand."

"There is a chance that, the baby... It, well, it might not be, white," Nora explains, clearing her throat uncomfortably. Kate blinks. Feels her breath leave her as she sags into the back of the chair.

Out of the corner of her eyes, she sees Colette reach up and pinch the bridge of her nose, an attempt to stave off a headache. Probably a futile one at that.

"I am so, so sorry," Nora repeats, as Colette lets out a shuddering breath.

Well, at least this explains why this meeting is happening without Sam. Because, while this is her life, Kate thinks she might just be tempted to give the other woman an earful, if she were being given the chance, right now.

"If that is the case," Kate hears herself say, and has to swallow thickly. Her throat has suddenly gone dry, it hurts to swallow, hurts to speak. "Would it, would it change the legal aspects of this?" she asks. "I mean, would Sam... would she know, who the father is? Based on the baby's..."

Nora lets out a soft sigh and inclines her head for a moment before nodding.

"We believe so, yes," she tells them and Kate feels her heart sink further. Next to her, she hears Colette let out a measured breath.

"So, this is it?" she asks, her accent having become more pronounced, and Nora does a double-take. She hasn't heard Colette speak a lot when the brunette is agitated. Her accent always becomes more obvious when her emotions get high. At least she is still speaking English, Kate thinks with a little measure of relief. There have been times when her wife switched back to French, when she slipped up and slid back into it without even noticing as her brain was too busy to translate, the words just needing to come out and her not having the time or the energy to translate them in her head.

"I'm sorry," Nora apologizes, and Kate wishes that she would just stop doing it. It's not her fault that Sam did what she did, and her constant apologies make this even harder than it already is.

"I know that this is a terrible, terrible disappointment," their case worker says and this time, Kate cannot fight back a snort.

"I find that hard to believe," she mutters with a shake of her head. Nora, she didn't lose anything in this. All that had been at stake, for her, had been some money. But for Colette and her, it had been, everything. They've hung their hearts on this, they wanted to make this happen so badly. They met Sam, they saw the ultrasound picture. It was, was real for them. They were going to have a baby, a wonderful little baby. And now it's been yanked away from them. Has been ripped away from them yet again, crushing their hopes and dreams all over again.

Kate draws a shuddering breath, trying desperately to fight down her emotions. To not break down in front of Nora, to not start to cry right now.

"As an agency, we no longer feel comfortable, representing Samantha in this case."

"So you're just gonna do, what? Send her on her way?" Colette asks, sounding incredulous. "She's pregnant, with a child that she has no intention of keeping, of taking care of. And you think kicking her to the curb will help?"

"I understand the frustration," Nora allows. "But I am representing your interests as well, and those of other clients looking to adopt. If we were to find a placement for this child, with a wonderful family such as yours, nothing would prevent the biological father from claiming it. Even months, or years down the line. I know that right now, this sounds terribly heartless of us, but I am not willing to open up our clients for this sort of heartbreak."

Kate lets out a dry, humorless chuckle. There already has been heartbreak, though. She can feel the splinters of her own sit painfully in her chest, and she is fairly certain that Colette feels much the same way right now, as well. She looks over at her wife and sees Colette cross her legs. Sees her jaw work as she also crosses her arms tightly over her chest and Kate knows what she's about to say.

"Please don't take this, the wrong way," she mutters, eyes darting to Kate, who inclines her head, giving her the silent go-ahead. She's on the same page as the brunette, with this.

"But I think that, given these circumstances, we will, need some time."

Nora nods slowly, eyes darting back and forth between the two of them.

"Yes, I completely understand," she tells them, forcing a smile. "Just, please let me say that, cases like this, they are incredibly rare. We have measures in place to prevent stuff like this from happening. We screen all our candidates, but some of them..." she trails off with a frown. "As far as the agency is concerned, we would still very much like to continue working with you. On completing your family."

"Give us some time, okay?" Kate mutters, pinching the bridge of her nose. "This has, this had been a, a big blow. I don't think we can take anything else, right now."

"Of course," Nora nods. She slowly rises from behind her desk and Kate has to mentally kick herself into moving. Manages barely to get out of the chair and into a standing position. Takes Colette's hand, holding on as tight as she can, onto that lifeline.

So much for adoption.

* * *

They need to figure out something. Colette tilts her head and frowns at the rows upon rows of toys. She bites back a sigh and reaches out to pick up a little electric keyboard.

"How about this?" she suggest, showing Kate. Her wife looks up from further down the rows, looking for a gift for her niece as well.

"I think if we show up with that, Laura might actually decide to kill us," the redhead shakes her head. At Colette's confused expression, her wife motions towards the toy.

"Loud music and excited toddler shrieks," she reminds her and Colette feels her eyes widen.

"Right," she nods, putting the toy back on the shelf. Swallows, trying to fight down tears of disappointment and frustration. She hasn't been around Joyce a lot. Still finds it rather painful, to be around the baby. Things that she should know, should be aware of, they keep slipping her mind, because she can't, can't allow herself to think about Joyce too much, and what taking care of a little child like her must be like. Because it pains her too much, if she does. It makes Christmas shopping for her pretty difficult, even though it should be easy. Finding something for an almost one year old, it ought to be easy. She'll probably like anything. So how come Kate and her have now spent the better part of two hours in this store?

Maybe it's because they both keep trying very hard to keep their thoughts from wandering. From imagining picking up a toy or two for another child. Their own child.

"Nora emailed me," Colette says, tracing her fingers over the buttons on another toy before she turns to face Kate. Her wife lets out a soft sigh and grabs a jiggling ball off the shelf, tossing it between her hands.

"Yeah, I got one, as well," the redhead nods before putting the ball back. Crosses her arms. "I didn't know what to say. How to reply."

Colette nods. Reaches out to touch Kate's hand, to take it for a moment.

"Me, neither," she admits. It's just, she just keeps thinking. Sam's due date, that was, two weeks ago. Kate and her, they could be having a two week old baby, right now. They could have a little baby, their child. And every time the thought crosses her mind, Colette is struck yet again by how unfair all of this is.

Kate chances a glance at her from the corner of her eyes. Worries at her lower lip.

"Do you still wanna..."

This is probably the worst place in the entire world, to be having this kind of conversation. The one about their future, their family planning, their family. But Kate and her, they do need to have that conversation, Colette is well aware of that. It's just that they have been dancing around it for a while, trying to avoid upsetting each other.

"Kind of," she tells her. Allows a sigh to pass her lips as Kate and her make their way down the aisles. She's holding her wife's hand in hers. With the other, Colette reaches out, trailing her fingers over the soft fur of a toy teddy bear. One of those that play a lullaby, after you tug on a string at their back. She quickly pulls back her hand, wiping it on her pants. That's, that's a toy for a much younger child.

"It... It, scares me," Colette murmurs. "I mean, the entire thing with Sam, that made me more angry and frustrated than anything else, but it was still... It was hard, difficult, to put distance between the, the baby and myself, again. There was still this, this faint hope that we were finally going to have a baby, but it just..."

"You know," Kate starts, drawing a bracing breath. "If I'm being completely honest, I was more in this for you," she admits, making Colette stop dead in her tracks. Kate pauses as well, turning to look at her as Colette stares at her wife in shock.

"Don't get me wrong," Kate hastens to continue. "I did want a child. I just, I think I wanted it so much because I saw how much you wanted it."

There's suddenly an enormous lump in her throat, one that makes it nearly impossible for Colette to swallow around it.

"I'm, I'm sorry," she apologizes softly, tears brimming in her dark eyes. "I didn't mean to, to force you, to push you-"

"No! No, no, that's not," Kate shakes her head immediately, squeezing Colette's hand. "No, it's, the thing is, when we started actually doing this, when we spoke to Nora and she introduced us to Sam, and then we saw the ultrasound... It, it became real then. To me. Like, you and I, we were doing this. We were going to have a baby. And I think that made me realize that, I wanted it, too. I wanted it so much, and not just for you," she tells her, her lips curving into a sheepish smile. "Before, it had been more like, I wanted you to have this. I wanted you to be a mother, because that was what you wanted more than anything. And now, I... I want it, too. I want to have a baby, with you. I want to, to be a mom."

Colette shakes her head, drawing a deep breath.

"Why didn't you..." she starts, trailing off as her wife gives a small shrug.

"Say something?" Kate completes the question. "I, I didn't quite know how. And I don't blame you, truly not. I know I could have talked to you, even if it would have been hard. I just... I guess it really took me, until Sam, to realize where my head and heart had been, during all this, and when I did, well... it didn't really matter anymore, did it? I mean, things had already changed, for me, and I think I just didn't see the point in, in telling you," she shrugs. "I thought that there was no point in hurting you."

Colette frowns, searching her wife's face, her eyes.

"Be honest," she pleads with her. "Because I need you, to tell me truth. The whole truth," she presses. "If Nora were to call us, right now, if she called and told us that she had a child, a baby, for us... what would your answer be?"

"Yes," Kate tells her without hesitation. "I would say yes. And not because I think that's what you'd want. I would tell her yes, because it is what I want. I want a child, Colette. I want to have a baby with you."

Colette swallows thickly, looking away. Shifts and lets out a shuddering breath as she closes her eyes.

"We, we should leave," she whispers, opening her eyes again.

"Huh?" Kate frowns, searching her face. "If you're upset-"

"I'm not," she quickly shakes her head. "Well, a little. More like, confused," she tells Kate. She is, she's confused more than upset with her wife. Is she happy Kate withheld that from her? No, of course not. Thinking that she might have pushed her wife into something she didn't fully want, or was ready for. It makes her question other decisions they made for their relationship as well. If she may have pushed Kate into other things, as well. The thought is a deeply painful and uncomfortable one.

"I want to go home," Colette tells her. "I want to be alone with you. I, we need to talk. About a lot of things, not just this, and I don't want to do it here," she tells her, motioning at the toys surrounding them.

She sees Kate swallow thickly before the redhead inclines her head.

"Of course," she agrees. Colette nods, taking a step back and giving a gentle tug on her wife's hand, pulling Kate along briefly before the American falls into step beside her and the two of them leave the store.

All Colette wants, right now, is to be alone with Kate. She knows they need to talk, about a lot of things, but the more time passes, between Kate's sort of, confession, and right now, Colette finds that more than anything, she wants to be alone with her wife. To be able to kiss her, and undress her slowly, and cuddle up next to her. She needs to be with Kate, needs the intimacy of their private moments, to reassure her that they're, they're still, them.


	4. part 4

She can't stop, cannot stop watching it. In the past four hours, Kate doesn't think she has put down her phone for more than five minutes. She keeps staring at the screen, the video on it playing over and over and over again. And when she's not watching the video, she's looking at the pictures, her heart in her throat.

Colette is curled up next to her on their bed, her head resting on Kate's shoulder. The redhead hears a soft sigh escape her wife, and pulls back her head a little, to be able to look at Colette.

There's a soft smile on her face, and the brunette shifts, tilting back her head to be able to look at Kate, the soft smile becoming a full-fledged grin.

"I want to send it to, everyone," she whispers, happiness shining in her dark eyes, and Kate feels her throat constrict.

"I know," she mutters, reaching out with her free hand to brush Colette's hair behind her ear. "Me, too," she admits.

Colette leans up, brushing her lips over Kate's in a soft kiss. After, she settles back down, kissing the redhead's jaw with a hum before nudging her.

Kate blinks, looking down at her phone again, and finds that the screen as turned off. She swallows, pressing the button to light it up again, and finds it's been so long that it's locked itself. She quickly swipes her thumb over the screen in the unlock pattern she has set, her heart giving a happy jolt at the sight of the video starting to play again.

There, on the screen, is their baby. There they are, moving around, kicking, their heart beating frantically in their tiny chest.

It hadn't been an easy decision. To try again. To open themselves up to heartbreak yet another time. They gave it a couple more weeks, after their first discussion while looking for a Christmas present for Kate's niece. Took the time, the both of them, to examine their feelings and where they stood, and what they wanted for their lives, going forward. And what they want, what the both of them really, really want, is to be raising a child together. So they contacted Nora again and told her they were ready to give it another go. To make another attempt at, completing their family.

"You know," she starts, frowning at the screen. "I keep thinking... do we, do we want to know?"

Colette looks up at her for a moment, before she turns her attention back to the screen.

"I'm not sure," she replies, her voice soft. "This is probably going to sound paranoid, but... Maybe it would be better, if we, we didn't, find out. At least not just yet, at least."

"Why not?" Kate asks with a soft brown. She watches Colette's brown hair, watches her wife incline her head and presses the replay button, to start the video again.

"Because knowing would make it even harder," Colette whispers, her voice barely audible in their bedroom.

At her wife's words, Kate swallows thickly. She's right, she supposes. Knowing would make it even harder to let go of the baby. To let go of them in case that this dream of theirs turns to dust yet again.

It's been six weeks since they found out. Since they met Bree for the first time. The woman seems, nice. Down to earth. She's just not interested, in having a child. The only reason that she didn't chose an abortion is because she missed that window. Bree said that her cycle had always been irregular, and on top of that, she hadn't been paying that much attention to it, so when she found out about being pregnant, so she found out too late.

Colette had been skeptic, had been suspicious of the explanation. And if Kate is fully honest, she's felt the same way. Like, how could you miss not getting your period for three whole months? But then again, it's not her body, and not her life.

At least this time around, they have a written and signed statement, from the biological father. The man is more than happy to sign his rights away. To not have anything to do with, this. Who's more than happy to get out of having to pay child support. Again, Kate feels a bit, iffy, on judging people for how they live their life, but oh boy, does that seem like a whole big mess to land oneself in, as a woman.

"I guess so," she replies to Colette. The thing is, Kate already knows that she is way too attached. It's only been six weeks, since they've officially known that Bree would let them adopt the baby. And Kate knows, she's well aware of how lucky they are. She knows that Bree, she's not who Nora had in mind, when they started considering going on this journey again.

The due date gave it away. They're different, Nora gave them a different one first, and then changed it, and Colette asked Bree about it. Had wanted to know what that had been about, if there was something Kate and her needed to know, something potentially wrong with the baby. But Bree had shaken her head and told her that her due date never changed, that it was still the first one her doctor had originally given her. Which means that there must have been someone else. Another woman that Nora considered, a different baby that could have been theirs. But something must've happened, something that made that one fall through. And it pains Kate, hurts her immensely, to think that the same thing might happen this time, as well.

"Hey," Colette whispers, looking up at her. Kate raises an eyebrow in silent question. Watches, as her wife hesitates, a shy smile on her face. "Do you think... Could we, buy something? For them?" she inquires, her voice barely audible.

Kate's heart skips a beat, and then races in her chest. She's grinning, she can feel her face actually begin to ache from all the smiling and grinning she has been doing the whole day. But then, as she takes a second to think about it, the doubt starts creeping in, and it suddenly doesn't sound like such a good idea after all.

"Nothing big," Colette hurries to add. "Just, just something small. A pacifier, maybe? Or, or a pair of shoes."

"Shoes?" Kate asks, her brows knitting together.

"Yes," Colette nods with enthusiasm. "You know, those tiny, knitted ones."

She wants to say yes. Wants to say yes so badly. Because Colette's eyes, they're so wide and shining with such happiness and she looks so, so peaceful, right now. And Kate knows, know what her wife's eyes look like, when she's crying, when she's in pain. Knows the way the heartbreak reflects in her dark orbs, knows how the tears spill from them as she cries in agony. And she can't help but think how hard it will be for them, now that they have seen the video and the ultrasound pictures. She doesn't even want to imagine how much harder it will get if they start to buy things for the baby, their baby, and then it will be taken from them again and they'd have to get rid of all that stuff. And Kate doesn't think she could do that.

"I, I don't know, Colette," she finally says. "Maybe, maybe later," she offers weakly, when she sees the brunette's face fall. "I just, I don't think right now is the right time for it. Not just yet, at least."

She feels Colette draw a measured breath. Hears her let it out again carefully.

"Okay," Colette whispers. Leans up to kiss the corner of Kate's mouth, her lips soft and gentle. "Je t'aime," she tells her, her nose nudging Kate's before Colette settles down again, an arm thrown over Kate's middle as her head rests on the redhead's shoulder again.

Kate has unlocked her phone before Colette can even prompt her, her eyes glued to the baby as it moves on the recording, blissfully unaware of the emotional turmoil of their future parents.

* * *

"Thank you," she mutters, reaching out to rub a hand down Kate's back as her wife sets down the bag of groceries on the counter.

"No need," Kate shakes her head as she shrugs out of her jacket before placing it on the counter as well. "I do eat here as well, you know, so this was entirely an act of, self-preservation."

Colette rolls her eyes at her wife's antics and leans in to kiss her cheek. It would have been her turn to do the quick-stock grocery run, but she'd just been really not feeling up to it today. So she'd sent Kate a quick text, asking her if she'd be up for it, or if they wanted to order takeout tonight.

"I couldn't get the juice you wanted, they only had pulp."

At the redhead's words, Colette pulls a face, a shudder running through her body.

"So I bought apple instead," Kate adds and the brunette feels herself beam at the redhead.

"You are the very best," she tells her and kisses Kate's cheek before grabbing a box of cereal and putting it away.

"I," Kate starts, her voice sounding strangely nervous, "I may have, gotten something, something else as well. Something that wasn't on the list."

"Huh?" Colette asks as she turns around. Find that her wife is looking kind of, embarrassed? She frowns, confused by the sudden shift, before figuring it out.

"Walmart sells toys now?" she asks, arching a brow at her. To her surprise, Kate frowns in confusion before her green eyes widen and she quickly shakes her head no.

"No!" the redhead exclaims, blushing. "No, it's nothing, nothing like that," she tells her, shaking her head again.

"Okay," Colette tilts her head. "Now you have made me curios. What is it?" she asks, leaning back against the counter. Kate takes a deep breath and reaches into the bag.

"Promise me that you won't get mad," she asks her, making Colette hesitate. She doesn't like making promises like that, especially not when she doesn't have the slightest idea what it is that her wife has done.

"I promise I will not yell at you," she offers instead.

Her emotions are her own, and if Colette feels the need to be mad, she will be. She'll try her best not to lash out, she can reign herself in that much. And they can talk about it later, if necessary, once she had the time to cool off a little, calm down.

"Good enough," Kate declares after brief hesitation and then holds out a small gift bag to her.

Her first thought is that her wife picked up lingerie. The bag is light enough that she thinks whatever is in there, it will be a clothing item, and if it is lingerie, well, Kate does have excellent taste, she won't be getting mad about that. The question then is, is it for her, or for Kate. To wear, that is, because Colette doesn't doubt that they will both get their share of enjoyment out of it.

The fabric that greets her when she looks inside the bag, however, is much too colorful to be lacy underwear. Colette reaches in, marveling at the softness of the cloth as she gently removes it.

"Oh," she breathes as she unfolds the cloth and realizes that she is in fact holding a bib. One that is incredibly cute. Soft beige cotton, with the picture of a cartoon baby elephant on it. It's trying to eat from a bowl, a spoon grasped in its little trunk and the mouth is covered in orange with specks of it decorating the whole bib.

Colette shifts, leaning back against the counter as she feels tears well up in her eyes.

"You don't like it," Kate mutters and Colette looks up, her eyes widening in horror.

"Non!" she exclaims, hugging the bib to her chest. "No, I, it... I love it," she shakes her head, drawing a shuddering breath. "Non, it's just... I didn't, didn't expect this," she adds and reaches up to wipe at the moisture in her eyes.

"You're not, not mad?" Kate asks carefully. "Because I did it without asking you first?"

"No," Colette shakes her head and pushes away from the counter, taking a step towards her. Wraps her arms around Kate's waist and hugs her for a moment.

"Okay, maybe a tiny bit," she allows when she leans back. "But that's more because I would have liked to be there with you. Pick it out together," she explains. "It's the first thing we got for, for, them."

Her wife worries at her lower lip before drawing a breath.

"We can go, do some shopping this weekend," she tells her. "Look at stuff together," she explains with a slight tilt of her head. "It did feel weird, doing it without you," she admits, and Colette can feel the butterflies in her stomach do a little dance. She is so, so in love, it's ridiculous.

"But I just... It was too cute, I just saw it and was afraid that, by the time I went home and got you and we came back, it would be gone."

"It's fine," Colette shakes her head, her lips tugging into a soft smile. "It just means that I will get to pick something as well and surprise you with it."

Kate's green eyes widen and Colette's heart gives a jolt at the happiness shining in them

"Oh that sounds lovely," she breathes and leans in for a kiss. One that makes Colette sigh against her mouth and wonder if she might still get away with takeout for dinner. Because right now she knows there is something she would much, much rather do, than cook.

* * *

Colette's laughing and Kate shakes her head, reaching out to grab her wife by the waist, a shriek leaving the brunette as Kate tosses her onto the bed.

Or at least as she tries to. It's more of an, undignified stumble, really, because the redhead is not nearly as strong as she'd like to imagine herself to be, and Colette has to catch herself. Still, she's giggling. Like some, lovesick teenager.

"Brat," she tells her and Kate reaches out to poke her in the side in retaliation. Colette lets out another high-pitched sound and holds up her hands.

"Uncle," she exclaims, making Kate drop her hands quickly. "Uncle."

Kate takes a deep breath and offers her wife her hand.

"Truce?" she suggests, waiting as Colette eyes her warily before nodding.

"Okay," her wife agrees and takes her hand, giving a gentle tug to pull Kate between her legs. "Bonsoir madame," she smiles at her and Kate does have to laugh when she sees Colette's attempt at bedroom eyes. One that falls rather short, given the amusement still present all over her face.

"Yeah, that is not working," she tells her with a chuckle. And watches as Colette's face shifts into an exaggerated pout.

Kate shakes her head and leans in for a soft kiss. And another. And another as she feels Colette's hands run through her hair, one staying at the back of Kate's head, the other trailing down her neck, shoulders and side to settle at the small of her back, gentle pressure there making Kate press closer.

"Seriously?" Colette groans when Kate jumps and the sound of her cell phone going off fills the bedroom.

"Sorry," she apologizes, pulling back to dig it from her back pocket of her pants. Frowns at the display at the sight of Nora's number flashing.

"Hi, you're on speaker," she greets their case manager as she answers the call.

"Oh, hello Kate," Nora's voice drifts from the speaker. "I take it that Colette is with you?"

"Oui," Colette chimes in, looking at the phone in Kate's hands as she sits up on the bed. "I'm here."

"Good," Nora replies. There's a brief pause and Kate can feel her heart constrict. "Listen, I don't want to scare you," she hears Nora say, and Kate can feel her emotions beginning to shut down. This, this can't be happening. She can't go through this again.

"What's, what's going on?" Colette asks, a note of panic in her voice as she reaches for Kate, taking hold of the redhead's free hand. Gives it a tight squeeze.

"Bree called me. She wasn't feeling well and said she would go to the ER, just to make sure that everything is okay. She promised to call me again within an hour, to check in, but she hasn't, and I haven't been able to reach her since our first conversation."

"Wait, what?" Kate asks, her brain taking a moment to catch up with what's happening. Bree, she, she hasn't pulled out. She hasn't decided that they're not the people she wants to raise her child. Or at least not as far as Nora is aware. She's still on board, the baby, it's still, still theirs. Still Colette's and her baby.

"I'm on my way there now. I just wanted to let you two know."

"Is she, is she sick?" Colette asks, exchanging a confused and worried look with Kate. Who shakes her head. She doesn't have the slightest idea what is going on either.

"I honestly am not sure," Nora answers with a sigh. "I know that the law is a little, difficult, in this case. I will try to find out what is going on once I get there, okay? But it might be that they will not tell me anything."

"Would it help, if we came along as well?" Kate suggests. In the pause that follows, she feels dread settle in her stomach.

"How about," Nora starts after a long pause that feels like ages to the redhead, "i see what I can find out and then I call you as soon as I know anything. And then we take it from there."

"Nora..."

"I know," the older woman cuts Colette off. "But it might be nothing. And I would rather not upset Bree by all three of us showing up there without warning, okay? For all I know, her phone may have just run out of battery."

Kate watches her wife worry at her lower lip, her brows knit together. She doesn't think Colette believes that any more than she does.

"Okay," she still agrees, uncertain what other options there really are. "But you will call us, right?" she asks, holding onto her phone like a lifeline. "As soon as you find out anything-"

"I will call you, yes," Nora confirms. "Of course. You will know the minute I do."

Kate raises her eyes, searching Colette's face. Who closes her own dark eyes, tears already swimming in them. Nora's voice drifts from the speaker again as the woman says her goodbyes and then signs off.

Kate stares down at her phone in her hand for a moment after the call has ended, before she tosses it onto the bed.

"Please tell me that this, this isn't happening," Colette breathes, her eyes pressed shut. Kate just shakes her head and wraps her arms around the brunette. Feels Colette do the same, feels her wife hold her tightly as she hides her face against Kate's neck, her breath soft stutters against the skin there.

* * *

She's going to scream, Colette realizes. She's going to start screaming, right in the face of the next doctor that tells her they can't give them any information because they're choosing to be a bunch of assholes.

Then again, the next ward, it's the psych ward. And Colette is starting to think that maybe it wouldn't be in her best interest, to make a scene in a hospital that is well equipped to sedate her and restrain her until she has gotten all of, of this, out of her system.

This being the frustration and anger and the near crippling fear that is squeezing her heart like a vice.

"Hey."

Kate's voice is soft and Colette feels her fingers close around her wrist as she gently pulls on her arm. Pulls her fingers from her mouth, so that Colette can no longer bite down on her thumbnail. She blinks at it, confused at the sight of a red droplet of blood that wells forth before she lets out a pained hiss as feeling comes flooding back to her.

"Merde," she breathes and sticks her finger back into her mouth, sucking gently. To her surprise, Kate lets out a soft snicker. She looks at her wife, incredulous at her reaction.

"The ER is five floors down," the redhead points out to her, and Colette feels herself roll her eyes.

"It's fine," she tells her, pulling her thumb from her mouth to inspect the damage she did. "I just need a band-aid."

"Good luck with that," Kate mutters darkly, leaning back in her plastic chair.

They have been here for counting on four hours. The soda machine is out of water, and the nurse they asked earlier just told them that she couldn't bring them anything, because they're not patients. If the two of them want something to drink, they have to use the vending machines. Same thing goes for snacks.

"I am so, tired," Kate sighs and rubs a hand over her eyes.

Nora called them again, shortly before five in the morning. Asked them to come to the hospital as quickly as they safely could. Because the doctors were seriously considering an emergency c-section, and they had previously mentioned that they wanted to be there for the birth of their child.

"Close your eyes for a little," Colette responds, but Kate merely shakes her head, the redhead's leg jiggling yet again with nerves. She's been doing this, on and off, for the past four hours. That, and pacing. Lots and lots of pacing.

"Here," Nora greets them as she returns to them, holding out a bottle of water. "I'm sorry, I tried finding another machine. An Intern took mercy on me."

"Thank you," Colette mutters and accepts the bottle. Opens it and takes a sip, before offering it to Kate. Her wife shakes her head, waving her off.

"They tell you anything?" the redhead asks instead, on the edge of her seat. Nora sighs and shakes her head no.

"This is ridiculous!" Kate exclaims, standing from her chair. She crosses her arms, taking a few steps away before she turns around sharply again.

"I know this is hard," Nora offers. "But they are trying to follow the law. Which, in cases like this, is a tough job. You are not family, Bree could sue them, if they give out information to you."

"All we want to know," Colette starts, her voice catching with worry, "is if she is okay. If the, the baby is okay."

"I am sure that they will be," Nora tries to reassure her, but she can see the concern in the other woman's face, and Colette cannot help but think how stupid they were. Kate and her both. In thinking that they were going to get what they wanted this time around. That their wishes wouldn't be crushed to dust yet again.

* * *

She keeps wringing the cloth in her hand, over and over again. Kate watches Colette's hands move out of the corner of her eye, pulling on the cloth bib. The very first thing they ever bought, for their baby.

Finally, she reaches out and takes one of her wife's hands. Entwines their fingers and holds on tightly, so she will stop this. This, these restless motions. They're starting to drive Kate mad.

Bree is fine. Well, at least as far as Kate is aware. And what is more, the woman hasn't changed her mind. The papers are signed, the ink on Bree's signature long dried.

All that is missing now, are Kate's and Colette's own signatures.

The thing is, as heartless as it sounds, this is not what either one of them signed up for. Like, this, this hadn't been the plan. Not Plan A, not Plan B. This, it feels a lot more like, Plan Y. Like almost their very last option. And truth be told, Kate isn't entire sure if she wants that. If she wants the, second-to-last option.

Colette lets out a ragged breath. Lets go of Kate's hand in favor of being able to stand and pace the room, before she makes her way over to the windows to stare out. The sky's gray and overcast, water droplets from an earlier rainshower are still wetting the windowpanes. It fits Kate's gloomy mood rather well.

She feels her phone vibrate in her pocket and Kate pulls it out. Frowns at the screen, ignoring the missed calls from her sister, and reads the message Laura just sent, asking her if something is wrong, why she's not answering her phone.

Kate shakes her head and swipes the message away.

They haven't even told her family yet. Had planned on doing it closer to Bree's due date. Colette and her, they'd wanted to wait. So that the excitement wouldn't grow too much. So that it wouldn't hurt them too badly, in case anything went wrong.

Kate lets out a soft sigh and unlocks her phone. The homescreen is still the latest ultrasound image that they were given. The sight of it, it makes Kate freeze, her heart giving a jolt.

Her baby. Her son, his hand raised, as if he's waving at her.

"Screw it," Kate whispers and gets up. Grabs the pen and papers and walks over to Colette. She signs her name hastily at the end of the document before holding the pen out to her wife. Who stares at it before blinking slowly, raising her eyes to meet Kate's.

"We, we're is parents. Right?" she asks, suddenly wondering, fearing, if she might have just made a huge mistake. If, perhaps, her wife may have changed her mind.

Colette shifts, a soft sniffle escaping the brunette. And then her lips twitch and Kate can see the small smile, relief flooding her at the sight.

"Yes," Colette breathes, taking the pen. She leans over to sign the papers, a shuddering breath escaping her. When she's done, Kate lets out a breath she hadn't even realized she was holding. As Colette straightens and turns to hug her, she feels the realization of what they have just done begin to sink in, and the redhead finds herself scared as hell yet again.


	5. part 5

A sudden touch on her shoulder makes Colette jump, the brunette instinctively pulling away from it, before she realizes who it is.

"Sorry," Kate apologizes, her voice low and soft. "You were, miles away."

Colette swallows thickly and shakes her head before blinking repeatedly, hoping to clear her head a little.

"I think I actually fell asleep there with my eyes open for a second," she admits. Reaches up to pinch the bridge of her nose, before looking down at the incubator again, the tiny baby inside sleeping... well, not exactly soundly, Colette doesn't think.

Just looking at the tiny thing makes her heart ache. He is so small. So incredibly tiny, and fragile. His skin is paper thin, Colette has been watching his heart beat in his chest as it moves quickly with his breaths.

Someone put gauze pads over the baby's eyes and wrapped his head to keep them in place in an attempt to protect his eyes. There are tubes, two going into his nostrils. Colette forgot what they are for. All she knows is that it looks utterly barbaric, all the tubes with the many fluids running through them, wires everywhere she looks-

"I was thinking," Kate's voice cuts through her thoughts before they can spiral further and she can start to work herself into a panic yet again. "I need the bathroom, and perhaps something to drink. Do you want anything?" her wife asks, but Colette swallows heavily.

She should probably eat something. She certainly needs something to drink. But the NICU, they don't allow food or drink in here. Too many germs that could be brought in, too much of a mess that it could cause.

"I'm good," Colette decides. It's nearly six, they only have another hours left before the nurses will kick them out again anyway. She can hold on for that long.

Kate hesitates, her mouth open to protest, before she deflates a little.

"Okay," she nods and leans in to brush her lips over Colette's briefly, before she goes to get a nurse and sign herself out.

"We need to tell your aunt that you're here," Colette whispers as she turns back to the baby, realizing belatedly that she forgot to tell Kate to call Laura, while she's outside.

The baby moves, one of his little arms jerking, stretching before it falls back onto the soft blanket he's placed on. Despite her heartache, Colette can't help the smile that settles onto her face at the sight. She reaches out, pressing her hand against the clear incubator wall, wishing so very much that she could reach inside and touch the baby and let him know that she's there, she's right there. He's not alone, his maman is with him.

* * *

He needs a name.

Kate keeps trying, trying to come up with something, anything. But all she manages, is to draw a complete and utter blank.

Colette suggested Laurent, earlier. But Kate is reluctant to agree to that, simply because her sister's name is Laura. She knows that the similarity is not why her wife suggested the name. She simply likes it, likes the sound of it, but still, it feels weird, to Kate. And besides, when Colette suggested it, that had been like, day three, of this whole ordeal. They're on day sixteen now, and Kate thinks that even Colette doesn't fully think the name fits their son any longer.

The NICU team calls him Bruce. It always makes Kate crinkle her nose, because it is so unlike the small, tiny baby they are referring to. Bruce, that's a name for a big man with huge muscles, thick beard and a deep voice. Which, she has come to understand, is the whole point. All the babies here, they get strong, resonant nicknames. Names that invoke the picture of tough adults. They get names after famous people renowned for their spirit and courage and for beating the odds. Receive names that make people believe they are fighters, that they will breeze through this.

Kate looks up at the sound of footsteps coming closer.

"He's doing well today," Ashley remarks with a look at the baby. Kate swallows and nods. Yes, she, she thinks so, too. He's been mostly quiet today. Sleeping. Yesterday had been rough. The alarms kept going off, their son kept jerking and crying...

"Are you still measuring his output?" she asks, her voice low. She is pretty sure she already knows the answer. Her son's diaper has his NICU name on it, as well as a number and date.

"Yes," Ashley confirms. Tilts her head and grabs the hand sanitizer to clean her hands before she opens the latch. Kate watches her, her heart beating in her throat, as she adjust an IV line that was in danger of becoming tangled.

"Have you had contact today?"

Slowly, she shakes her head no.

"I, I was, waiting," she replies. "For him to wake up." That, and for her nerves to settle a bit, as well. She's still, still anxious, about accidentally hurting him. Of being too rough with her fragile son, of scratching him when he suddenly moves, of pulling on him by accident.

"I have to change his diaper in a few minutes anyway. Why don't you touch him? Let him slowly wake up and come around, so that the first thing he experiences today isn't being manhandled. You can calm him down after, as well," Ashley tells her, a gentle, indulgent smile on her lips. Kate takes a slow breath and then nods.

"Would you mind if I got one of our new Interns to watch?"

"Depends on who," Kate allows. The three new Interns got the big tour yesterday. To be honest, Kate had been too busy with worrying about her son to pay much attention to them. But she knows that Colette, she had somewhat of a, a run-in, with one of them already.

Between the two of them, Kate thinks that they are equally worried. But the difference between Colette and her is that, Kate tends to shut down and grows quiet and withdraw into herself, whereas Colette... does not. Kate thinks that the brunette actually now has a reputation as somewhat of a bitch. She has certainly noticed how there are two nurses who will not approach their son when Colette is around, her having complained about the two of them and what she thought was rather rough handling of him.

"I'll check who has not had the pleasure of being introduced yet, okay?" Ashley says and leaves them to find one of the guys.

Kate gives a slight shake of her head. Pours disinfectant into her hands to clean them before she reaches into the incubator, carefully brushing the tips of her fingers over her son's tiny cheek.

"Time to wake up, love," she tells him, a smile stealing across her face as she watches him slowly wake up.

"Kate," Ashley's voice interrupts her softly. "This is Wes," she introduces the new Intern. Kate lifts her eyes briefly and give shim a nod before focusing back on her child.

"Wes is just going to observe," Ashley informs them and Kate thinks she sees her give the young man a pointed look, but she can't be entirely sure as her focus is on the baby.

She hates this part. Absolutely and utterly detests it. Hates watching their son get his diaper changed. He is so small and fragile and it always looks so rough. And their baby always becomes so agitated, his heart monitor going off nearly every single time. Kate watches as his mouth opens and she whispers to him, about how great he is doing, how it will be only a moment. How it's just for his best. But he still flails and tries to cry and it simply tears at her heart.

"Weigh it, double check it, and then note it down in his chart," Ashley instructs Wes as she hands him the soiled diaper and sends him off. She stays, until the baby's heart rate goes down again, and he begins to settle.

"Sorry," Kate apologizes and straightens, getting ready to close the latch on the incubator. To her surprise, Ashley shakes her head.

"No, take your time," she tells her, and Kate feels her eyes widen in surprise, her heart hammering in her throat. "He likes it. Skin to skin contact is important, even if he's too small to safely be held just yet."

"Yes, but..." Kate offers a meek protest. The time, when Colette and her get to touch their son, it is always so short, so limited. Limited exposure, to make sure that the baby is warm enough, that the incubator does not cool out too much. That he is not exposed to too many germs.

That's one of the hardest things about this. Not being able to touch the baby all the time. Not getting to hold him at all. Just yet, not just yet. That's what Ashley, what the NICU department chief keeps saying.

That's pretty common, actually. It's always about what is happening at the moment, here. With a faint promise of things getting better, of it improving, in the future. But Kate can't help but think that there might not be a future. That, given how tiny, how fragile their baby is, that this might be all that Colette and her, that they'll ever get. He is so small, so tiny, and there is a chance that he won't make it. Despite the best efforts of the NICU team, Kate is aware of the statistics. Knows that, little Bruce, he's on the verge of being a micro preemie, and she knows how those usually turn out.

"I'm here," Ashley smiles at her, this reassuring 'I've got it, it's fine' sort of smile she has. "Anything pops up, I will handle it. Enjoy your time with him, Kate," she nods towards the incubator, towards the baby. And Kate inclines her head, thinking that perhaps she shouldn't be questioning this gift. She reaches back inside, touching the baby's tiny foot, the minuscule toes.

Bruce's head moves, his leg pulling away a little, before Kate can actually feel him move into the touch.

"It's me," she whispers, tears of happiness brimming in her eyes. "It's me, my love. Mommy's here, I'm here. I'm with you, my love."

* * *

She's still reeling. This is, too much. This can't be happening, it just, it can't. This isn't happening, no.

"You said," Colette starts, pausing to take a breath in an effort to keep from absolutely panicking and getting the next words out. "You said, he was going to be fine. You said everything was okay."

"Miss Valois-"

"I'm not talking to you," she whirls around, glaring at the Intern. This asshole. Colette, she wants to strangle him, right now. Wants to hit him, over and over again, until he gets it into his head that this, this is everything to her. That he cannot be so, so utterly dismissive, of their concerns.

She told him. She'd told him, that their son, that he wasn't feeling well. She'd told him that the little boy looked strange, that there was something wrong with him. And he'd just brushed her off. Told Colette that it had simply been because the baby just had his diaper changed. That he would calm down any moment.

"Colette."

Ashley's voice is soft and patient, and Colette hates her for it. Despises her for being so calm. This, this is all so, so terrible, so devastating, so horrid. Why can't this doctor understand that? Why can't she for once act appropriately distressed?

"I understand that you are worried," Ashley continues. "You have every right to be. It's a scary, frightening thing."

Colette lets out a scoff and shakes her head. She doesn't need to be patronized. That's, that's really the last thing she needs. She turns to watch through the glass doors of the NICU. Watches as Kate stands inside, hovering close to their son's incubator, arms crossed, one hand raised to her mouth to press over her lips. Probably to stop herself from screaming, from freaking out like Colette did.

"Right now, we don't think that this happened because of a brain bleed," Ashley says, the words making Colette flinch visibly. She crosses her arms tightly and hugs herself, a shudder running through her.

There are so, so many things to be afraid of here. Infections and immature organs and so many other things. This, this is one of the Big Bads. Brain bleeding never bodes well.

"Then what caused it?" she asks, turning to look at Ashley again, looking for answers. Waiting for the doctor to tell her what happened, to explain this to her. To make it make sense.

"Honestly?" she starts with a slight frown. "We don't know. Not yet, at least," she tells her and the brunette feels the ball of dread in her stomach grow to twice it's already enormous size. Feels it press up into her ribcage, making it even harder for her to breathe.

"It could be a side effect," the Intern offers. As Colette raises her eyebrows and glares at him, he ducks his head and reaches up to rub the back of his neck. "Sorry," he apologizes at Ashley's look.

"I don't want, him, anywhere near him," she turns to Ashley. "Ever again."

"Colette-"

"Non," she shakes her head vehemently. "I told him. I told him something was wrong with him, and he didn't listen. He didn't think that that was his job-"

"Your son had no indications of any previous seizures-"

"So that makes it okay to brush me off?" Colette snaps, whirling around to get into the Intern's face as her nerves finally give out and the tears she's been trying so hard to hold at bay break free. "I asked you. I asked you to check on him. And you, you just thought I was being a hysterical woman. You're a fucking Intern, you want to be a doctor. It's your job, to learn, to listen! What are you doing here, when you cannot spare a minute of your time to actually listen to me, to take my concern seriously, when you can't do your goddamn job-"

"Take a walk, Wes," Ashley cuts off her increasingly emotional and desperate rant. Colette feels her hand on her upper arm, giving it a soft squeeze. Feels the gentle pressure that forces her to turn a little, to break eye contact with the Intern. She turns her head and presses a hand over her mouth, to stop the flow of words, to stop the sobs from breaking free.

"It's okay," the doctor whispers, her voice soft and gentle again. "It's okay, Colette. Let it out, it's fine. I'm here," she offers, wrapping her arms around the brunette.

And with that gesture, Colette feels something inside of her just, give way. Before she knows what is happening, she's curled up and sobbing and Ashley is holding her as she just falls apart.


	6. part 6

"There you go."

Kate lets out a soft sigh, trying to hold still as the nurse runs the thermometer over her forehead. Checks the display, her brows dipping briefly.

"I feel fine," she tells the other woman. It's not a lie. She does, she feels good. Has been feeling well for two damn days now. "No fever, no vomiting, no coughing-"

"I'd still like you to wear a mask," Rachel, the NICU nurse, cuts off Kate's explanation. "As a precaution."

"You're kidding, right?" she tries, desperate.

"Colette as well," Rachel indicates with her head and Kate looks inside the NICU, where Nora, one of the other nurses, is handing Colette a surgical mask to put on.

"She wasn't even sick!" Kate tries to protest.

"She lives with you," Rachel reminds her. "You two kiss, you touch. She may be incubating whatever it is you had," she explains to Kate, her voice patient.

"Fine," the redhead gives in with a roll of her eyes and steps over to the hand sanitizer, to clean herself before Rachel opens the doors to the NICU again and they can step inside.

It's been six days since Kate was last here. She'd felt, off, on the first, and as difficult as it may have been, decided to play it save. Decided to sit out a day and stay home, in case she was actually coming down with something. To make sure that she wouldn't end up spreading it inside the NICU, putting the babies there at right. And then that night, she'd started throwing up and gotten a high fever as well, and yeah.

Colette still went. Went to visit their son. They didn't allow her to touch Felix, to be on the save side. Not until yesterday, that is. But at least she got to see him and got to be near him and got to talk to him. Kate, she got none of that. She had to sit at home, feeling utterly miserable, her head over the toilet or bin, while her son was miles and miles away from her.

"Hey," she greets Colette as soon as she in in. "Sorry, about that," she sighs, indicating the surgical mask. Her wife shakes her head at her, and Kate thinks she may be smiling behind it? It's difficult to tell.

"It's fine," she tells her. "I've had to wear it the whole time anyway, so this isn't new," she shrugs.

"Are you guys still switching?" Nora chimes in, making a note in their son's chart. Kate lifts her eyebrows in silent inquiry. Switching, how? What, why, what is the nurse talking about?

"Oh, sorry," the nurse shakes her head and holds up a fresh diaper. "He needs a change."

"Is she allowed to touch him?" Colette asks with a slight tilt of her head, the question making Kate's anxiety spike again. Makes her worry that she could inadvertently hurt their little son, or make him sick.

They used to rotate, for diaper duty. Like, she would do one, and then Colette would do the next, and then it would be Kate's turn again, and so on and so forth. But, she hasn't been to the NICU in six days. She hasn't been able to do any of this stuff for so long and Colette had to do all of it. All that they are allowed to, that is.

"You are feeling fine again, right?" Nora asks, just to make sure. And Kate hesitates, for a moment, before nodding.

"In that case," the nurse smiles and holds out the fresh diaper for her. Kate swallows and then reaches over, to clean her hands again. She just did it, hasn't touched anything since coming in, but she, she just wants to, make sure. She really, really doesn't want little Felix to get sick.

It still makes her nervous. The thought of touching him. Especially because it's been almost an entire week, since she last did it.

"Hey, sleepyhead," she greets their son as she reaches into the incubator. Gently touches a hand to his cheek. Felix's mouth puckers and Kate thinks for a moment that he might turn his head and start to root. But he doesn't. Only smacks his lips and then lifts an arm in a lazy stretch. She moves her hand, to touch his little fingers, marveling at how much the tiny guy has grown. It has been almost two months. He's gone from looking as if he might break at any second to slowly resembling an actual baby. A real newborn, albeit still so incredibly small.

"Has he had a seizure?" Colette asks, and Kate looks up to see her wife frown, her mouth hidden behind the surgical mask. Nora shifts and then shakes her head, grabbing their son's chart, to make sure.

"Not that I know of," she tells them. "And there is nothing here either. His last one was, three days ago."

Kate swallows at the reminder. That had been a particularly bad one. One of the few times when Felix hadn't stopped seizing on his own. Colette called her right after, crying, absolutely in tears, and Kate had hated getting sick then more than at any other moment. She hadn't been able to be there for Felix, she couldn't even really be there for her wife. Couldn't hold her and kiss her and tell her it was going to be okay, he'd be fine. And all of it, it had set off the anxiety and worries yet again. That this, this was going to get ripped away from them. That Felix would be taken away from her. That two months was all that Colette and her, that they'd ever get, with him. All the time they'd be allowed.

"He does seem a little..." Kate starts, trailing off when she's not sure how to explain it. There is, something. Something in the way Felix acts, the way he moves, that is different, when he's had a seizure. Or, shortly before he has one. Dammit, she thinks, hoping that it is just a, a false alarm. That he's not about to have another seizure.

"It could be you," Nora gently offers, making Kate stare at her. "He hasn't seen you for almost a week. He might just be, happy, excited, to have you with him again."

The redhead swallows hard at the thought that her son may actually be able to recognize her. That he could have missed her.

"You missed me?" she asks him softly, her lips tugging into a small, hopeful smile. Allows her hand to rest, just for a second, on his belly, careful to not put too much pressure on it. Felix shudders, then moves again, legs kicking out. On the other side of his incubator, Colette lets out a giggle at the sight.

"Okay," Kate chuckles, stroking her thumb over his soft skin. Her heart races in her throat as she does, afraid of hurting him. She filed her nails this morning and checked each finger repeatedly to make sure that there were no sharp edges. Still, there's always this short moment, when she touches him for the first time, where Kate fears that she could have missed a spot and end up cutting him by accident. But there is no red welt on his skin, no white marks that indicate any scratches, and Kate breathes a sigh of relief at the sight.

"Time to clean you up, huh," she murmurs, seeing Colette step away from the corner of her eyes to make room for Nora. They've come a long way, from all their interactions with him being supervised to only having to call for someone if they move the baby.

"Aw little guy," Nora mutters as Kate opens the diaper and the redhead blinks in surprise at the sight before tears well up in her eyes.

"Since when, when does he have that?" she asks, panic welling up inside of her at the red skin her son is sporting.

"This is new," Nora tells her and pulls her hands from the incubator. "Could you grab us the camera, Colette?"

"Of course," Kate's wife nods and Kate watches her, for a moment, before she turns to step away. She doesn't miss the worry and anguish in her dark eyes, so very much reflective of Kate's own.

"Let's get him cleaned up. We'll take some pictures after, and put a cream on it, to calm his skin and help it heal," Nora explains. "It's just a diaper rash. Babies get them all the time, it's actually surprising he hasn't had one yet. He'll be fine."

"I know," Kate nods with a thick swallow. Knowing doesn't mean it's any easier to see her son like that, with his skin flaming red. She sets out to clean him gently, swearing that he tries to move away from her more than usual. It probably hurts him, she thinks, and she hates having to cause him any pain at all, even if it is to help him in the long run.

"All new," she declares after a few minutes. Pulls her hands away to clean them again, before she touches her son anywhere else. She thinks that Felix, he's already calming down, so it must have not been as bad as she thought.

"I will show this to Ashley when she comes in," Nora tells them, indicating the camera. "I'm not a doctor, but I have been around here for a long time. This looks like an ordinary diaper rash to me, and it isn't a bad case of it."

"Hm," Colette hums softly, holding Felix's free foot, the one that is not having the heart monitor taped to it. It's her, her greeting ritual. The way that Kate touches his belly, after his face, Colette holds his foot. Kate actually thinks that he might be able to tell the difference between them and the nurses sometimes. That Felix may actually start to understand that they're his mothers. That Colette and her, they're not medical staff. But then other times, she figures it's merely wishful thinking, on her part, and that thought hurts more than anything else these days.

* * *

He's, he's smiling. Felix is actually smiling.

Well, at least she thinks he may be. Resting against Kate's chest, their son has his face half-turned into her skin as his little lips are tugging upwards, Colette feels like.

"Sorry," she whispers, reaching out to adjust the outer blanket around him. There'd been a little lift there, a small gap. Cool air might get in. Might cool out the baby and shorten Kate's cuddling time.

Her wife gives her a mute look of thanks, her lips resting against his beanie.

"I know they said to sing something," she whispers and Colette sees her hand move beneath the blanket, carefully stroking their son's back. "But I don't want to set you off with my voice, little one."

At that, Colette lets out a soft chuckle. Kate doesn't have the best singing voice, that much is true.

"He looks so content," she tells her. Sees her wife's eyes widen a little, happiness shining in the green depths. So far, all the monitors have remained blissfully silent.

It's still, still new, this whole 'getting to hold him' thing. Kate and her haven't gotten to do it more than a handful of times, and half of those, their son had ended up working himself up so much that the medical team had to cut their time with him short, to give him a chance to calm down again and rest. But right now, Felix seems to be content. Seems to start to understand that this, this is actually good. That nothing will happen to him and being in his mothers' arms is actually a good thing.

"He smells like baby," Kate sighs softly. Her eyes close for a moment and her hand stills and Colette just watches her savor that quiet moment.

Felix lets out a sigh and moves a tiny bit, face slowly turning completely against the redhead's chest. It makes Kate's eyes open and widen in a panic and Colette stands, carefully reaching out to touch their son's cheek and gently adjust his head again. To make sure that he gets enough air, enough oxygen.

"Thank you," Kate whispers as she sits down again, her hand lingering for a moment on Felix's cheek.

"Mind if I take a few pictures?" she asks, wanting to make sure that her wife is okay with it. Kate gives her a soft smile before mouthing a 'no, go ahead', her hold on the baby changing a little as she relaxes back into the rocking chair.

Colette gets out her cell phone, making a mental note to clean her hands again before she touches the baby.

She takes a step back, starting to take pictures of her wife and son together. In one of them, he actually looks almost, normal. Like any other baby, really. The blanket around him is hiding all of the lines and tubes, aside from the one glued to his cheek, and Kate's hand is covering that one mostly in the shot. They look like any ordinary mother and infant, there's no telling how long it took them, to get there, to make it to this point where holding their tiny little miracle is an actual option. A thing that they get to do.

Colette thinks she's going to send that picture to Laura later. Let her have a picture of her nephew, one where he doesn't look like he's going to break.

* * *

"We're not doing this."

Kate looks up from her son's sleeping form at the outburst. Watches, as the parents of the child next to him glare at each other before the man shakes his head and starts storming out.

Kate swallows and shifts as the other baby's mother sits down heavily in a rocking chair. Hides her face in her hands.

It's been a pretty difficult day. All the staff are currently occupied. There are two new arrivals, one of which seems to be struggling a lot. The alarms keep going off at their incubator, and Kate has caught herself thinking that if it happens one more time, she will go crazy. It's a reminder, of how fragile life here is, of how close to disaster they all are at any given moment, and she's not sure how much of that her nerves will be able to take.

Her eyes drift from Felix to his monitors as she checks them, to make sure he's fine. That everything is normal, that he is okay. She takes another look at her son and gathers her courage, pressing her hand against his incubator wall, saying a silent goodbye before she turns and walks over to the other woman.

"Hey," she greets her softly. The other woman looks up, a confused expression on her face. "I don't think we've been introduced yet. I'm Kate," she says and nods towards her son's incubator. "This is Felix."

The other woman swallows thickly.

"Sandra," she tells her. "Uh, she, she doesn't... we haven't..." she stammers and Kate sees the tears well up in her eyes.

"Oh, it's fine," she quickly shakes her head, pulling over a chair to sit down. "Really. Trust me, it took us a while, to find a name as well," she assures the other woman. Forces a smile as Sandra just stares at her.

"You know how the team, they give the babies names when they don't have one yet?" she asks. Sandra nods mutely, her eyes flickering to her child's incubator.

"His was Bruce."

"Oh," Sandra breathes. Her nose crinkles and Kate lets out a soft chuckle at the attempt of the woman to hide her reaction.

"My reaction, exactly," she chuckles. Watches Sandra, for a moment, before she decides to just ask.

"Do you mind if I?" she asks, pointing towards the baby girl's incubator. Sandra swallows and hesitates for a moment, before finally shaking her head no.

"No, go, go ahead," she whispers. Kate smiles at her and stands, walking over. Steps up and lifts the corner of the blanket a little to be able to peer inside. To catch a glimpse of the little baby inside.

"Oh she's beautiful," Kate whispers. Sandra's head pops up and Kate looks over to see her cross her arms tightly as she stands.

"You don't have to lie," she tells her, an edge to the other woman's voice. Kate swallows thickly at the reminder of where she was, just a few months ago. Of how she used to feel. The pain, the anger, and most of all, the near-crippling fear.

"I'm not," she shakes her head, smiling down at the baby. She is a cutie, definitely. Small, but not frighteningly so. At least not to Kate. Her own son, Felix, he was a lot smaller when he came here. Actually, she thinks, her brows twitching as she tries to imagine the two babies next to one another. Felix might actually still be a little smaller than this newborn.

"I'm sorry," the baby's mother apologizes. Presses her hand against the incubator. "I'm just... tired."

"I think we all are," Kate agrees. "My wife, she stayed home today. I actually had to talk her into it. She's barely been sleeping at all. I think the only reason I actually managed to convince her to rest up is because I promised her a lot of pictures, and at least one video," she tells Sandra, lips tugging into a smile at the way that Colette had looked at her when she'd asked for a video as well.

"We're allowed to film?" Sandra asks, perking up. The question makes Kate's eyes widen and she nods quickly.

"Of course," she assures her. "You just need to tell them beforehand, and try not to film any of the staff, unless they're fine with it and have given you permission. They don't like it when you document procedures, but outside of that, you can knock yourself out. I don't know how many hours of footage we have saved in the cloud, to be honest," Kate chuckles.

Sandra lets out a shuddering breath and Kate looks down a the baby again. Watches, as she flexes her little hand for a moment.

"They make it easier," she tells her. "The pictures and videos I mean. I can't remember how many times I laid in bed, just watching the same clip over and over again. I mean, I know he's not home, with us, but it makes it all feel... less horrible. Almost tolerable. Like he is there, with us," she shrugs. Blinks in surprise at the sudden tears in her eyes.

"Tom hates it here," Sandra shakes her head. "He's... he's not good, with hospitals, and sick people. Stuff like that."

"He's probably scared," Kate offers. "Truth be told, I feel, terrified, most of the time."

She thinks about how, upon being told that there was a chance their son would have to go back on a ventilator, Colette had yelled at the next nurse that crossed her path. It's not that Colette is angry. She's terrified, down to her very core, and she needs to get it out of her system before it consumes her whole. Before it eats her alive, this terrible fear of losing their son.

Thankfully, the staff is extremely understanding, to the point where it's actually sickening. Especially the regulars, the old-timers. The ones who have been working here for years and seen so many children come in and then leave once they reached an acceptable stage of maturity. The ones like Ashley, and Nora, and Rachel, and Luke, and Olive. Kate thinks she's snapped at all of them, and more than once at that, but they'd just let her vent and given her room to express her frustrations and breathe. She remembers Rachel taking her outside once. Taking her down to the cafeteria to grab a coffee and then sitting with her outside in the waiting area, until Kate had finished her drink and she was feeling more stable and they went back inside.

"He didn't want a baby," Sandra confesses, her voice barely audible. "It wasn't... we didn't plan, on having children. It just, happened. I thought he was coming around, to the idea. He brought her a unicorn plushie, actually. Said it was for his, his princess. That was almost a week, before I went into labor."

"I'm sorry," Kate mutters, not entirely sure what else to say, how to comfort Sandra. How to make this easier on her, and the baby's father.

"Kate?"

At the sound of her name, the redhead looks over to find Rachel there, a fresh diaper in her hands.

"Coming," she smiles at the nurse, before turning to Sandra again.

"It was nice meeting you," she tells her before waving at the baby. Pulls back and turns to see to her own baby. Who's actually starting to wake up in his own incubator, arms moving sleepily and Kate feels herself smile in happiness at the sight.


	7. part 7

"His temperature is fine," Nora smiles, pulling back her hands from the open bed, and Colette lets out a shaky breath she's been holding.

It's so, so different. She knows that their cuddling time has been getting longer, the staff not as concerned about their son being able to maintain his body temperature.

But is had still been a surprise, when Ashley told them that they wanted to move Felix to an open bed. Just a heated mattress. In case he needs a little bit of extra help. Because apparently, their son has outgrown the need of a closed incubator. She still cannot believe it.

"Does he look..." she starts, frowning. Tilts her head a little at the baby. "He seems tired," she finally says, worry gnawing at her insides.

It's never a good thing, when their son is tired. It usually means that he had a seizure and is still recovering. A bad one, or more than one. They wear him out, make him sleepy.

"Last night got a little loud, hectic in here. Olive told me that he woke up at one point and cried. It took him some time to calm down again. Since he was getting stressed, they moved him to the back for a bit, so he could calm down and go back to sleep," Nora explains. "He's been a bit, grumpy."

"Aw," Colette murmurs, reaching out to stroke her son's cheek. "They wake you up, my love? Interrupt your sleep?"

Felix turns his head into the touch, and her heart melts. He's not cold to the touch. Along with the move to his new bed, they also took off the gauze pads from his eyes permanently. He's barely been opening them, but every time that Felix does, Colette thinks her heart will combust with the joy she feels. He's absolutely beautiful and marvelous. And he's, he's hers.

It's finally that she actually allows the thought to linger. That Felix is hers, her son. Kate's and hers, their child. Their wonderful, wonderful gift. He's getting better, finally. Slowly, but steady growth, slow improvements.

Kate and her, they've also started putting the nursery together now. They already had the dresser and the rocking chair. But now they also have a crib, for Felix. A place for him to sleep when they finally get to take him home. Toys, as well. A rattle. Bottles, too. A mobile. And countless of clothes, for their baby.

The onesie he is in right now, that's still on the big side. It's the smallest they could find. He's been pretty much naked, in his incubator, but now that he's out of it, he needs something to wear. Actual clothes, to cover his body and help keep him keep up his temperature.

"Ashley wants to talk to you, later," Nora tells her and Colette looks up, worry instantly seizing hold of her. "Nothing bad," the NICU nurse hastens to assure her when she sees Colette's fearful expression. "The neurologist wants to adjust his medication. See how Felix does, on a lower dose."

"But, but he's still having seizures," Colette protests, and Nora quickly holds up her hands.

"I know," she nods. "But I'm a nurse, and they're the doctors. They'll explain it to you, okay? Once Ashley is in and has caught up with the urgent stuff, she'll come talk to you, okay?"

Colette swallows before inclining her head. Turns her attention back to Felix, who's trying to open his eyes, get a look at her. His nose crinkles and he lets out a big yawn, prompting a soft laugh from his mother.

"Maybe I should be letting you sleep, huh?" she whispers as she strokes the fingers on his hand. Feels her son curl the tiny digits around her finger, and hold onto her. The butterflies in her stomach break out into somersaults of absolute joy.

* * *

"Look at you," Colette laughs softly as their son kicks his legs and Kate finds herself blinking in surprise at the synchronous movement of his arms.

"Why does he have," she starts, turning to Wes and pointing to her cheek. There, on her son's, is a new feeding tube.

"The old one was leaking," the Internet tells them, scribbling notes into their son's chart. "We replaced it last night."

"Leaking?" she presses with a frown.

This, this isn't acceptable. They call them. Whenever the team does anything with Felix, they call Colette and her, to let them know, to explain it to them. Even if it's the middle of the night, they always, always call. But the feeding tube, it's looking brand new, and until right now, neither Colette nor her had any idea that it had gotten changed during the night.

"Happens, sometimes," Wes mutters and puts his pen away. At the sight of Kate's expression, he gives a small shake of his head. "Sorry," he apologizes. "The connector for the syringes wore down," he finally explains. "I think it got clogged one too many times. We cleaned it out, but when they ran his next feed, they noticed that it was dripping, so it needed to get replaced. It's not a painful procedure and done pretty fast, there were no complications."

"Were you on night shift?" Colette asks, her voice holding an edge. She's not the biggest fan of the man, his past dismissal of her concerns regarding their son, just before he had his first ever seizure still something she hasn't forgotten about.

"No, I only started an hour ago," Wes answers. "It's just what I was told during handover," he adds, noticing their tension.

"I know that, you're not responsible for this," Kate tells him, forcing herself to draw a slow breath, to keep calm. "But we'd appreciate a call next time this happens."

Wes blinks at her, his jaw dropping.

"Wait, you, you didn't know?" he asks and Kate shakes her head no. And feels her eyes widen in surprise as the younger man lets out a soft swear. "Sorry, sorry," he hastens to apologize at Colette's shocked expression. "I'm sorry, I just... I had no idea. I swear. I thought they called you and told you about it. Just, you know. Middle of the night stuff, you might have been sleepy, confused..." he trails off with a helpless shrug.

"No," Kate shakes her head, the knot of anger and worry in her stomach slowly unfurling. "We didn't forget. Colette and I, we honestly had no idea, about his tube getting changed."

"Again, I am sorry," the Intern apologizes again. "I'll make sure that Ashley knows about this and that we make sure it doesn't happen again."

"Where is she?" Colette asks, her brows dipping while Kate grabs the hand sanitizer and cleans herself.

"Uh, emergency," Wes answers, shifting uncomfortably. Nods in the direction of the other side of the room.

The incubator in the corner is actually empty. Kate blinks, surprised with herself for not noticing that before. It's a baby girl, she was only born two, three days ago. She hasn't spoken to the parents, actually, having been too busy with her own child and the changes that were happening with Felix at the time.

"Is she okay?" Colette asks, worry creasing her brows. Wes's face darkens, for a moment, and then he gives a helpless shrug. A wordless reminder that he can't tell them what's going on with another patient. Kate watches as her wife inclines her head and turns her focus back to their son.

He seems rather awake, actually. The soft mask that covers his eyes while he sleeps has already been removed, and it's really only there so make sure he gets as much of an uninterrupted sleep as possible.

With the gauze off his eyes, Kate has been absolutely taken in by their son's baby blue eyes. She can't get enough of seeing them, of watching him look around and peering at the world around them. Of watching him watch them, her and Colette. It always makes her heart beat faster, the way his little face scrunches up when she holds him close enough that he could maybe focus on their faces.

He has been growing so much, as well. She remembers looking at him and her heart beating faster with worry at his sight, at how fragile and small he way. She was so, so very worried, about him. Was so terrified that he could possibly not make, that he could be taken away from them again. That their time with him could be cut short at any moment.

But now he's so big, compared to the size Felix had been when he'd been born. When he first came to the NICU. And Kate, she loves him. Loves him so, so much, and it feels like this is finally, finally within their reach. That all their dreams and hopes, they are finally within their reach and Colette and Felix and her, they're on the home stretch now.

* * *

He's going to be fine. He's going to be fine. He's going to be fine. He's going to be, he has to be fine.

If she repeats it enough times, Colette hopes that maybe, in time, she will actually come to believe it.

Kate's rubbing a hand up and down the small of her back and the brunette leans forward, dislodging it. Feels her wife tense next to her, but Colette shakes her head. Right now, she just, she can't. She can't stand being touched. She's barely holding on by the edge of her fingernails. Kate touching her, offering comfort, it's, it's too much. It will make her break down.

Kate shifts in her chair, rubbing her hand over her face.

"He will figure it out, eventually. But in the meantime..." Ashley trails off, leaving the sentence hanging.

A permanent feeding tube. G-tube. Colette, she can't believe it. Scratch that, she actually can believe it. It's just, it seems like such an immense step backwards that she simply doesn't want it to be real. They've fought so hard, for all of this, and to fail now, it's, it's immensely painful.

"You, you said he was fine," she protests, her voice catching with emotion.

"He was," Ashley nods. "But now he's not. He is losing weight, Colette," she reminds her. "We are no longer talking about stagnation, but actual loss. This is bad, and I know you understand it is."

"So, so what?" Kate asks, a shuddering breath leaving the American redhead. "I mean, talk me, talk us, through it. How does it work, what are you going to do, to him? What happens now?"

Ashley waits for a moment, waits to see if Colette will look at her again. But she can't, can't do it, right now. She's just so utterly disappointed, is utterly crushed right now. She's disappointed in everything. In the doctors, in the medical team. In herself, as well. She has been trying so, so hard, to help their son. To help Felix learn to nurse and get the necessary calories in. It doesn't just feel like a medical thing, a medical issue. This, it feels like a personal failure, on her part. That she cannot help him, cannot do what Felix needs her to. All his feeds, his attempts to nurse, they end with him coughing and spluttering and in tears. She knew, knew that it wasn't good, that it had to change and improve and soon at that. She just thought, had hoped, that they had more time. That Felix, their son, that he'd figure out this whole nursing business and then it would be all uphill from there. Nursing, eating, gaining weight, and finally, finally getting discharged. Kate and her, they'd finally get to take him home. Would finally see him in his own room, his nursery, after months and months in the NICU. And now it's all being yanked out of their reach again and she thinks that this is all about as much as she can possibly stand.

"Can't we just, just leave the nose one, the NJ tube, can't that stay in?" she offer weakly, desperation coloring her voice.

Ashley lets out a soft sigh, shaking her head.

"These are not meant to be permanent solutions. Your son, Felix has had his for so long, we believe that it is certainly contributing to his struggles of figuring out nursing. It's irritating his throat, which makes it more difficult for him to swallow, makes him more reluctant to do so. Taking the NJ tube out will let his throat recover and remove the permanent stimulus at the back of it. It will give him a better chance to learn to nurse."

Kate shifts and Colette feels her hand brush against her own under the table. She turns it, pressing her palm flat against her wife's. Entwines their fingers and tightens her hold to the point where she thinks it might be painful, for Kate, but she can't stop herself. She needs the contact, right now. Needs this lifeline.

"It's, it's surgery," the redhead whispers and Colette closes her eyes, her heart clenching in fear.

"Yes," Ashley confirms. "And we are going to be extremely careful about it. Felix will be monitored the entire time, by our medical team. I am not going to lie, it can be a difficult procedure, on someone that small. But he has been through a lot worse and come out on top."

"What if," Colette starts, her voice catching. "What if he has a seizure. During surgery. That, that could happen, right?"

"We're discussing the risk at the moment, weighing options," Ashley inclines her head. "There's the option of deeper sedation. Of giving him something beforehand that will lower the chance of a seizure. But that in itself is an additional risk. Deeper sedation carries deeper risks, that is always the case. Our neurologists are looking at his case right now, they will consult with our surgeons and anesthesiologist and they'll make the final decision on that together. Settle on a, preliminary game plan, for surgery."

"Preliminary plan," Kate scoffs. "That certainly inspires great confidence."

"You've been here for long enough to know that things can change quickly," Ashley reminds them, her voice still patient and gentle. "You know that we always plan our procedures carefully, but every surgery is a risk. These are human bodies, every person, every infant is different. Sometimes, we find that what we originally planned for the procedure, that is not going to work. And we adjust on the fly," she tells them with a patient smile. "It is not that I want to lie to you, but it's a reality, one you two are already aware of."

Colette takes a shuddering breath. Shakes her head, trying to clear the fears, at least for a brief moment, to be able to think clearly.

"We don't have a choice, do we?" she asks, finally. "If Felix is losing weight..."

"No, you don't," the doctor confirms. "We can wait a day, or two at the most. But after that we have to do it. Before he loses more weight and starts to deteriorate. But I would like to do this as soon as possible. Tonight even, or tomorrow at the latest."

"Tomorrow," Kate immediately says. "And I, I want to be there. When you do it. I want to see it."

"No," Ashley shakes her head immediately at the request, her voice leaving no room for argument. "Absolutely not. I will not have you watch that."

"He's our son-"

"And that is exactly why you will not watch him being cut open," the doctor interrupts Kate's protest. Takes a deep breath, her face softening again.

"No one doubts your devotion to your son, or how much you love him. And you can be there right before, and immediately after, as well. But this is not something you want to witness, trust me on that."

"So we, we have today?" Colette asks, her heart hammering in her throat. Today. To cuddle and talk to Felix. To hold him tightly and shower him in their love. One last time. Just, just in case. In case something goes horribly, horribly wrong.

"If you'd like to," Ashley nods, a frown creasing her brows. "If you don't mind, I would like Wes to be his primary carer for the night. Make sure all pre-surgery protocols are observed, that kind of thing."

"Yes," Colette agrees nearly immediately. She actually trusts him, as much as the realization surprises her. When they'd first been introduced all those months ago, she hadn't been a fan, and there'd been a moment when what she had wanted to do to the Intern had not been fit for anyone's ears. But he has come a long way, since those early days. He knows Felix, knows their son and his medical needs. Knows them almost better than they do, Colette has to admit. And she believes that, if Wes looks after their son, the boy will be in good hands. Given the choice, she would prefer to stay here herself, or have Ashley watch the baby. But since she is on day shift, there is little to be done about that, and the parents are not allowed to stay the night hours.

"Kate?"

"Yeah, fine," the redhead nods and Colette leans over, to give her wife's shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"He'll be fine," Ashley assures them, and all Colette can think about, is how much she will hate Ashley if that turns out to have been a lie.


	8. part 8

Before she even knows what's happening, she's sitting bolt upright in bed. Kate shakes her head, rubbing a hand over her bleary eyes as Colette starts to move next to her, on her side of their bed.

"Shit!" she exclaims when the reason for her rough awakening hits her and the alarm sounding finally registers in her brain. Kate stumbles from the bed, rushing from the bedroom into the nursery, to check on their son.

"Hey," she mutters and flicks on the light, flinching herself against the brightness. Lifts Felix from his crib, and rubs her hand over his sternum.

The monitor shows a flat line and Kate feels panic seize her. It, it doesn't make sense. He's moving, albeit a bit slowly. Felix, he's not blue, he can even manage to hold onto her fingers, so why-

"Here," Colette mutters and holds up the foot bracelet. The oxygen meter and heart monitor. It's only then that Kate looks down and realizes that their son's foot is naked, his little sock stripped off. She watches as her wife puts it back onto the baby's foot, and puts the sock over it. Their son kicks out, starting to cry. The monitors alarm shuts off, two loud beeps filling the room before the numbers appear again and Kate breathes a sigh of relief at the sight of the wonderful 97 that shows up.

"Here's maman," she murmurs and hands Felix over to Colette, so she can hold him. She cradles the boy close and showers his little face with kisses. Kate walks over to the rocking chair in the corner and plops into it, her heart rate finally starting to go down a little. Feels, suddenly, the tears pricking at her eyes and hides her face in her hands.

She doesn't think she's been this terrified in months, Kate muses as she tries, desperately, to take slow breaths and calm down. Taking Felix home, finally getting him discharged from the hospital, being able to have him at home full time with them, that had been scary. Of course it had been. But even that very first night in their home, with Felix in the nursery, she hadn't felt so utterly terrified as she had from the second she realize what it had been that woke her.

She hears Colette let out a soft sniffle and looks up sharply. Sees her wife attempt to wipe at the tears on her own face, and Kate cannot help herself, she lets out a low chuckle.

"Yeah, me too," she whispers at Colette surprised look.

"You gave us quite a scare, my love," the brunette murmurs to their son. Who has managed to calm down again. He'll probably have a bad day, today. Will be grumpy and easily upset. Not that Kate can fault him for that. If someone yanked her from her bed and proceeded to manhandle her, she would be grumpy and ill-tempered herself.

"We need a better monitoring system," she declares. Her wife lets out a sigh at that, nodding in agreement.

"Or figure out how to keep his sock on him, at least."

"Superglue," Kate deadpans, hearing Colette laugh softly at the suggestion.

"Yes," her wife agrees. "If that means that I won't have a heart attack in the middle of the night, superglue does sound like a good idea."

They share a look and then burst into laughter, their son letting out an unhappy sound.

"Oh, I'm sorry, little guy," Colette murmurs, gently bouncing him. "Let's get you back to bed, huh?"

"Can we take him with us?" Kate asks, making her wife frown. Colette hesitates before letting out a sigh.

"Yes," she finally agrees. Reaches over to switch off the monitor before she takes off the foot bracelet from their son again. Kate rubs a hand over her face and stands. Grabs the monitor and takes it with her as she leaves the nursery to return to their bedroom, Colette following with Felix cradled against her chest. As Kate sets up the monitor again, Colette sits down on the bed and offers the baby her breast.

Kate joins them once she's done. Watches, as Felix struggles to latch on, his face scrunching up in frustration. He shakes his fists, face turning an angry shade of red before he erupts into cries.

"I'm sorry," Colette sighs, lifting him up against her shoulder. Kisses his temple as she rubs his back in an attempt to soothe him. "I'm sorry maman frustrated you, my love."

Kate reaches out and touches her cheek gently. She hates this. Absolutely detests the sight of her son struggling like this. He has been getting better at it, at nursing. The other day, Kate tried to give him a bottle and he'd actually managed to drink half of it before he'd grown tired and started to cough. But nursing he still finds difficult and Kate knows how much that tears at Colette's heart. Yet the brunette refuses to give up. She still tries, whenever possible, to nurse their son.

"You think he may be hungry?" Kate asks, keeping her voice low and gentle, so as not to upset the baby. Colette frowns before shaking her head no.

"I don't think so, no," she answers, kissing Felix's cheek. "It was more of a, let's see if he wants to try, kind of thing," she explains, rubbing the baby's back. "We could run his feed now. I know it's an hour early, but if we were to put him down now, he'll wake up again in an hour when we hook him up. Given that we already interrupted his sleep once tonight..."

"I wish that thing came with a timer," Kate sighs and watches her wife nod in agreement.

"That would certainly make some things a lot easier," Colette allows.

"I'll get the pump," Kate tells her, kissing her cheek once before standing again. She returns to their son's nursery and gets his feeding pump as well as the nutritional feed. She turns the pump on in Felix's room, wanting to keep the annoying beeping to a minimum around their baby. She knows he hates the sound, especially when he is already upset and tired. She rather not cause him more upset, especially not when it can easily be avoided.

When she enters the bedroom again, Colette is just finishing settling their son into his bassinet. She has him hooked up to the monitor and gives him his pacifier to see if he will take it. That's actually new. He usually grows tired of it quickly and spits them out again, but as Colette withdraws her fingers from it this time, he keeps suckling on it, the pacifier moving in the baby's mouth, even after his mother withdraws her hand.

Kate hooks him up to his pump quickly, starting his feed and keeping a close eye for a few moments, just to make sure that it is all working correctly. Their son's eyes are starting to droop and close, the pacifier's movements slowing down before he opens his mouth and it falls from it, a sigh escaping the baby as he relaxes into sleep.

"He's so cute," Colette whispers, leaning in to rest her head against Kate's shoulder, happiness shining in her dark eyes. Kate nods, wrapping an arm around her and kissing her hair.

"I love you," she whispers softly. Feels Colette wrap an arm around her and lift her head a little to kiss her jaw.

"Je t'aime," she replies, her voice low. "We should probably try and get some sleep, while he is out."

"Hm," Kate hums, though she doesn't move immediately. Just remains standing there, holding her wife in her arm as they watch their infant son sleep soundly.

When she finally gets the energy to let go of Colette and climb back into bed, she immediately feels Colette's arm wrap around her middle the moment Kate lays down. Feels her wife move in close, snuggled up behind Kate. The redhead reaches out and kills the light on her nightstand, settling into bed. She holds onto Colette's hand, her eyes closing as she falls asleep.

* * *

She's well aware of hovering. But Colette, she just can't help herself.

Joyce moves and Colette quickly catches her arm before the girl can touch the baby.

"Be careful," she tells her niece, for what might actually be the twentieth time, today. She can feel Laura's eyes on her and knows that her sister-in-law thinks she's being overbearing, is being a crazy helicopter mother.

But Felix, he's her son. He's so small, and fragile, and so unbelievably previous, to her. She can't let anyone hurt him, even unintentionally. She's his mother, his maman, it's her job to protect him. He depends on her to do it right.

Joyce blinks at her and tries to move her arm. Colette swallows and slowly lets go of her niece. Holds her breath, waiting for the girl to reach out and try to touch the baby again. But apparently, Colette's interfering has caused her to lose interest. Well, either that, or she has frightened the little girl. Colette wouldn't blame her if that were the case. She knows she can come off a little, intense. Where Felix's safety is concerned.

"Aw baby," Laura mutters and lifts her daughter into her lap. Kisses her cheek loudly and causes Joyce to giggle. Felix moves his head at the sound, looking for the source.

Carefully, Colette reaches over and lift him from the bassinet. Holds him against herself, his back against her chest, so he can see Laura and Joyce.

"Hello you," Laura greets him with a smile. Felix watches her, his eyes big and round as he takes her in. Colette's not entirely sure, if he remembers her. They have only seen each other twice so far, and Felix has never met his cousin before.

"He seems a little..." Laura trails off, frowning. Colette gently pats Felix's belly and changes her hold on him slightly. He doesn't very much like being held in this way. Which is odd. Lots of babies want to see everything that goes on around them. Will actually prefer being held in a way that allows them to peer around and take in everything. Only their son, he seems to prefer being cradled in the crook of their arms, of having his head rest against their collarbones as he faces them. Maybe it is because they never did this with him, at the hospital, and he is simply not used to it.

"He's okay," she tells Laura. Her son is not on his monitor, right now, but his lips are a nice rosy color, and he's not crying. The monitor, it's more of a, a safety precaution, for when Felix is asleep and could have a seizure without someone being with him.

"It's so strange," Laura says with a shake of her head. "I mean, I keep thinking, he's almost six months old now, and yet when I look at him..." she trails off, uncertain.

"I know," Colette nods, offering her a reassuring smile. She knows, what six months old babies are supposed to look like. What milestones they are supposed to have hit, how they should behave. And Laura is right. Felix is small, especially for his age. But him being a preemie, it changes things. It's different, for his age and milestones the doctor actually uses his estimated due date. While they know his actual age, whether or not he is behind in development is determined by the age he would have been, had their son been born at full term.

"But he is a very handsome young fellow," Laura smiles. Felix kicks his legs, cooing, and Colette leans in to kiss his cheek. Manages to draw a high-pitched sound from the baby. She hesitates for a moment, her heart in her throat.

"Do you want to hold him?" she asks her sister-in-law. Watches as Laura's eyes widen in surprise. She swallows, then slowly nods.

"Yes," she answers. Gently strokes her hand over her daughter's back. "Come on baby, can you get off my lap?"

Joyce nods, climbing down. She walks over to Colette and peers at her baby cousin. Laura leans forward, gently taking hold of the baby.

"You got him?" Colette asks, afraid of her son getting dropped. Of something, anything happening to Felix.

"Yes," Laura nods and the brunette swallows, slowly letting go of the baby. She watches as Laura lifts him from her lap, cradling the baby close. Felix squirms, briefly, and looks up at his aunt with interest. Laura smiles down at him, touching her index finger to the baby's nose. The blonde laughs softly as Felix goes cross-eyed.

Colette lifts a hand and covers her mouth to stifle her own giggle. She has to admit she has done the same thing, too. To check and see if her son may be tired.

"Hello Felix," Laura smiles at him. "Hi there. I'm Laura, you're aunt. That's right, your aunt. Do you remember me?"

"Mama," Joyce exclaims and walks over again, watching her mother and the baby. Colette kneels down next to her, carefully holding her niece back, to prevent her from climbing onto her mother.

"Mommy is holding Felix right now," she tries to explain to Joyce. "You can watch them. Make sure that they are okay, yes?"

The girl frowns, a pout settling on her lips.

"Oh," Laura mutters, shifting in her seat on the couch. "Look, love," she says, holding up the baby a little, so he can also see his cousin. "He's watching you. Do you want to say hello?"

"Mama cuddle Jo-ie," Joyce pouts, reaching out for her mother.

"Joyce," Laura sighs and Colette feels the girl squirm against her, briefly. And then she suddenly erupts into tears. Just like that. Big tears and wails. She drops to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably and Colette blinks in surprise at the scene, absolutely taken aback by the child's behavior.

"Oh dear," Laura frowns, changing her hold on the baby. "You better take him," she tells Colette, who quickly reaches out to take Felix back into her arms. Laura bends down immediately, lifting her own child into her arms. Lifts her into her lap, murmuring to the girl to try and calm her down. Colette watches them, watches as her sister-in-law hugs the girl close and rubs a hand up and down her back.

Felix squirms in the brunette's arms and she clucks her tongue at him. Strokes her hand over his cheek and blinks in surprise when he turns his face into the touch, rooting.

"Hungry?" she asks, her voice low. "I'll be upstairs, for a while," she tells Laura. "He needs time, and no distractions," she adds by way of explanation, and watches Laura nods quickly.

"I know," the blonde nods. "Kate told me. It's fine, don't worry," she adds. "I think this one needs some time, as well," she says, nodding towards her own daughter. Colette nods and gets up, slowly making her upstairs with her son in her arms.

Her son is definitely hungry, she finds, when she settles down with him on the bed. Maybe she should have grabbed a bottle from the fridge as well. In case he has trouble nursing. It depends with Felix. Sometimes it can be easier, when he's hungry, almost like he is trying harder then. Other times, however, it seems that being hungry only makes things worse. Only increases his frustration and the odds milk going down the wrong pipe.

It only takes him two tries to latch on, and Colette winces at the intensity of his suckling. Felix eats, looking up at her with intent eyes, watching his mother. It makes her smile at him, stroking her hand over his head, the soft hair on it.

"Je t'aime," she tells him, her voice low and gentle as he finally slowls down a little. Felix moves against her, his back arching. He unlatches himself, little face scrunching up before he lets out a sneeze.

"Bless you!" Colette exclaims in surprise, her son's eyes wide at the strange sensation. She bends down to kiss his forehead before pulling back. "Want more?" she asks him, trying to get him to latch on again. It takes her a few tries, this time, and his drinking is much slower now.

When he's done, Felix's eyelids are starting to get heavy, and Colette decides to go ahead and put him down for a nap already. Puts the baby's monitor on him and grabs the baby monitor as well, before she returns downstairs after her son has fallen asleep in his crib.

Downstairs, it looks like her niece has calmed down again. Is sitting on the floor, playing with a stuffed elephant. Colette thinks that it might have been one of the gifts Kate and her gave her, when she'd been born.

"Naptime," she tells her sister-in-law, when she sees the blonde's questioning expression. Laura nods, joining Colette on the couch as the brunette sits down. She hears the blonde let out a deep sigh and watches her rub a hand over her face.

"I'm sorry," she apologizes softly. "For her outburst," she adds, when Colette frowns in confusion.

"Oh, it's fine," she waves the blonde off. Watches her niece, for a moment. "I think it's kind of cute, in a strange way. I wouldn't have pegged her for the jealous type," she jokes.

"Oh, she is," Laura shakes her head with a defeated sigh. "She can be a real terror, if she wants to," she adds with a deep frown. "I have no idea how we're going to deal with it, once..." she trails off, her eyes widening. Colette blinks, giving the younger woman a surprised look at she realizes what Laura was about to say. Laura blushes and ducks her head.

"We, haven't told anyone yet," she admits. "I'm, I'm only nine weeks along, and we wanted to wait until the second trimester. But everything is looking, looking good, so far. Really good."

"I'm, I'm sorry," Colette apologizes, finally shaking off her surprise. "Congratulations," she says, leaning in to hug Laura. Who returns the hug easily, holding on tightly for a moment.

"I had no idea..."

"We were trying," her sister-in-law confirms. "But I didn't tell Kate, or my mother. I didn't want to deal with any questions, if it took us a while to-" she cuts herself off, blue eyes widening in mortification.

Colette swallows thickly, drawing a slow breath.

"It's okay," she tells her. It is, mostly. There's still pain, a lingering sense of, unfairness, at the fact that she didn't get to carry her son. But it's a small shadow of her previous anger and resentment and pain. It's no comparison to how horrible the news of Laura's first pregnancy had made her feel. It's been a long time since that day, though. She has come come a long way and what is more, she has a child now, too. A little son, a wonderful baby boy, who's sleeping soundly in his nursery. A lovely gift, one that she feel so incredibly blessed to have received.

"I'm sorry," Laura apologizes softly.

Colette smiles at her, looking at her niece playing on the floor.

"Hoping for a boy, or girl?" she asks, deciding to change the topic a little.

"I don't really care," her sister-in-law chuckles with a shake of her head. "We know that it's not twins, which was a relief. I honestly wouldn't know how to deal with that."

"I'm sure you'd do fine," Colette tells her. It's not just an empty phrase, empty words. She believes them, too. To be honest, it had surprised her, how easy motherhood had been for Laura to adapt to. Especially considering that Joe had not been around much, his unit shipping out shortly after the baby, after Joyce had been born.

"Maybe," the younger woman frowns with a small tilt of her head. "But I am glad I won't have to find out," she adds with a laugh before turning serious again. "I haven't talked to Joe about this yet, but if you are up for it, I would very much like you as the godmother for this one."

Now that makes the brunette's jaw drop in surprise.

"What?" she breathes.

"The only reason we didn't do it with Joyce was because... I, was scared. Of upsetting you. That you would think Joe and I were asking out of pity It's not that, I swear," Laura hurries to assure her. "I love you, I know you are an amazing mother to Felix, and you're great with Joyce as well. I like Joe's sister, too, of course, but it has been difficult. She lives so far away and Joyce barely gets to see her at all."

Colette swallows thickly. looks away from Laura in an attempt to get a hold of her feelings. This is the very first time she's ever heard of this. That Laura even considered her, as the godmother for any of her children. And as hard as it is to admit, Kate's sister is right. If Laura and Joe had asked her to be Joyce's godmother when the baby had been born, she'd gotten upset and angry with them. Would have thought that it was an offer made solely out of pity, out of them feeling bad for Colette.

"Colette?" Laura calls her name softly. "I'm sorry. I've upset you-"

"Non," the brunette shakes her head. "Non, really, it's, it's fine," she tells the blonde. "You just, you took me by surprise," she continues. "And I would love to do it. If Joe agrees with you, of course. If he wants someone else, I'd understand. I know he has another sister and you two have plenty of friends-"

"Stop that," Laura cuts her off with a frown. "I'll talk to him, but I'm sure Joe'll say yes. I let him have his choice for our first child, and now it's my turn," she declares with a decisive smile. It makes Colette shake her head in amusement.

"Okay," she says. Leans over to wrap an arm around Laura and hug her. She feels Laura wrap her arms around her and hold her close and relaxes into the embrace, her chest overflowing with happiness.

_fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's it! ooof, that took a surprising long time to write and then edit. i'm happy with the end result though, and i hope you enjoyed this =) thank you for reading!


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